After
Vision Quest Camp I was clear about the path I needed to walk this summer…it
was to be a season of quiet solitude. Closing the circle around my heart;
keeping it small and quiet. I made minimal plans, focusing on my little family,
my marriage and my Self.
Going
into Vision Quest I heard the whispering calling to me to follow this road
less traveled.
I
am a social girl, always have been. But as I grow, as I transform, as I become
again and again and again, it would seem that my social ways are shifting to a
more select way of living. No longer am I seeking out friends and friendships
as much as I desire sisters and sisterhood.
So
within this choice many things came my way.
It
was like the space I created by making my heart world small actually made the
world around me expand.
Possibilities thrived and dreams grew.
Remnants
of my being, those small pieces of my once broken psyche had a chance to
reluctantly come to the surface. Small but fierce where these pieces of me.
Long over due to be taken into the sacred garden of my heart and be loved on by
my higher-self. One in particular made me smile…a feisty little thing. Birthed
during a time of adolescent angst when I made the declaration that I did not
care anymore…I was around 15, frustrated and disconnected. She got me through
with that feist, only now, in this season of my life, the fear from which she
was birthed needed to be healed.
I
know, deep within the marrow of my bones, she would never have surfaced if I
had not given space to her healing, and my continued becoming…
Even
when one does the deepest healing work, some residue clings for dear life,
afraid of the change that the healing might bring…what will it mean? who will I
be without the fight, the struggle, the suffering… will I matter? will I just
fade away? will I no longer be? and if I do come our of this, who will I be?
She
struggled with the love at first, she made me laugh…not in a mocking way, but
because she was a child, a child unable to see beyond her childish sight and I
joyfully gave her the vision of how things are now…without the fear. You see I
want her feisty nature, I can still use it…I still want it…just not the fear…no
thanks to the fear.
In
the quiet it was revealed to me that I was not here to “make things happen”… I
was told directly to Try Less and Trust
More… I was guided to give to my self all that I have given to others the
last couple years….sounds easy enough right? Honestly, it took me almost 3
weeks to find a steady rhythm within this sacred medicine.
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| Medicine Bag custom made by Susan Ferguson of WindRock Studios |
sometimes even longer…
it is the process and everything is process.
She
said to me “You have the strength of the Oak Tree….may you also have the
flexibility of The Willow. Do not go back to your all or nothing ways, stay in
the mud, do not put back on the comfortable clothing. This newness can be a
whole new landscape, where it is not either or…no bargaining, no sacrifice…more
fluid, while standing on an equal foundation.”
And
so I let the winds of change breeze right on by as I stood strongly rooted in
the sacred space that was me, and yet I was flexible, allowing the
transformation to take shape within and around me…I was gently returning to
Self and I prayed that Mother Earth would continue to keep me grounded in the
gentle ways of deer-travelling lightly thru the forest as I returned. And I
prayed that Father Sky would gently release me with grace
as I pulled my wings
close to land.
And then there was the marriage…a marriage that was
strong in foundation and spirit…yet even within that truth needed attention.
Many things looked over lacking the attention they needed as we grew a boy into
a young man through the darkness of his mind…a marriage that needed tending
acknowledgment. Old habits needed to be laid to rest and language needed to
die…
time to re-birth this union into something new.
Who were we at this season of our union?
Who did we want to be?
For
these answers and more I embarked on a journey into Chapter 5 of Women Who Run with The Wolves…”Hunted-When the
Heart is a Lonely Hunter”
“In
wise stories, love is seldom a romantic tryst between two lovers. For instance,
some stories from the circumpolar regions describe love as a union of two
beings whose strength together enable one or both enter into communication with
the soul world and to participate in gate as a dance with life and death.”
“…love
does not mean a flirtation or a pursuit for simple ego-pleasure, but a visible
bond composed of the psychic sinew of endurance, a union which prevails through
bounty and austerity, through the most complicated and most simple days and
nights. The union of two beings is seen as “angakok” magic in itself, as a
relationship through which “the powers that be” become known to both
individuals.”
In
an ever ebbing and flowing relationship death must have her share….we cannot Love
without our illusions of love dying…we cannot Love without our superficial
expectations dying…in Love, psychically,
everything becomes picked apart.
Illusion
Expectation
Greed
Beauty….must
die.
“When
one commits to love, one also commits to the revivification of the essence of
Skeleton Woman and all her teachings….”
Thus
I found myself untangling…once again…the mystery of The Skeleton Woman…sitting
in amongst her bones re-learning patience, observing the process, embracing the
beauty of the unknown and learning, once again to love that which is not so
beautiful.
In
my own words, Skeleton Woman represents the deeper aspects of life…in this case
Love. Can we…can I be willing to
allow death and challenge to continually rub up against my Love relationships as
a way of strengthening them as opposed to the depleting and damaging choice to
always insist on everything being “happy ever after” – without the expectation
of tranquility only??? If I allow transformation-which always includes death-I
allow a deepening of the love…the commitment. Not allowing death will cause my
Love to starve and not thrive to it’s full potential. The challenge is to turn
around and face death and begin to move with her, as opposed to running against
or away from her. Without death there can be no life. Love requires sacrifice,
bravery and commitment. True, long-lasting Love asks of me to take courage, to
go the distance, to enter into the deep waters….deep dark waters. And I was
forced to ask myself can I do this? Yes is my answer again and again..for this
I know..we are both strong individuals…both of us clear on who we are and how
we want to live this life…we would be fine without one another, but we are better
together. That is a truth I know and trust; and this Truth calls me to accept
any fears that I do have and allow them to be what they need to be, to sit with
them, love them, cry over them, breath into them and over time heal them.
Within
this untangling and reassembling shifts have happened, those shift that you cannot
put your figure on and yet you see then, feel them, know them. I said to a
sister it was like our relationship is growing up…yes maturing, taking responsibility
for itself and thriving
As
my Self integrated my heart’s desire made its voice clear…
I
don’t want to do what
I
am told to do
I
want to do what
I
am meant to do
I
don’t want to do what is
polite
or politically correct
I
want to do what is
honest
and real
I
don’t want to live
to
fit in
I
want to live
to
be uncommon
I
don’t want to live
to
make others happy
I
want to live in a way
that
causes my heart
to
burst with Joy
My
heart was not the only one to speak to me this summer…many a visit from many a
guide…loud whispers, clear voices, sometimes just showing up with no words,
just presence…Bear came and told me, “Move slowly with Intention. Be willing to
be lead. Be willing to follow…be still.” Owl called to me from the forest by a
lake and said “Trust. Spread your wings wide and Allow. Be Open to what is
coming…be still.”
Through all of it…through this process of becoming I
hear these words…
I
create harmony in my life through
Love
and Acceptance
The
journey continues…becoming is never ending…
Life
is a wonderful mystery as is The Creator and all that lives in the heavens and
on the earth below.
I am a mystery…as are you…
What a wonderful thing to be…
If you are still with me, share with me the mystery
that is you…
What is the mystery, within your Self?
Love
and Light Lovelies
“The
wound is the place where the light enters you” - Rumi
