This is my son
18
grade 12-er (one month till graduation!)
musically gifted in instrument and song
introspective
empathetic
complicated
challenging
softhearted
extreme sportist (is that even a word?)
lover of Shakespeare
collector of comic books
hoarder of papers
leaver of home
Two nights ago he left home and it was not a peaceful leaving
that made this mama heart sad
it was not what I had envisioned
it was not what I wanted for him
it was not
it was not
it was
this story is about a Mom
a Wild Woman of the Wood
a Sister of the SouLodge
a Moon Sister
a Daughter of Many
and a Friend to Most
this is a story about how one
in the saddest, most uncertain of places
can find Peace
that passes all understanding...
The night that he left was a sad night indeed
and yet
I had this undeniable peace around me
I wept for my child whom
I felt
had left too soon...but perhaps
it was not soon enough
I felt The Divine holding us all
I saw the steps laid out
I knew we were not alone as we walked this out
*
Whatever comes God holds each of us
*
When I woke the next morning
for a moment I forgot...as unknown to me, my first thought is of my boys sleeping in their beds...then I remembered.
A dullness came over me and I thought about some guidance I had received the week before.
At the time of receiving it I did not quite understand it, but now, in this moment of remembering, I understood.
A pattern has been revealed, a pattern that stemmed from guilt and causes me to somehow feel that I am not doing enough unless I completely immerse myself into the problem or person, continually trying to fix the situation or rescue the individual involved.
The guidelines I was given to shift this pattern were:
1. Be 100% present and attentive
2. Speak your truth or maintain a dignified silence
3. Keep the focus on what's really important and what really matters
4. Let go of any attachment to outcome
these 4 steps help keep perspective while remaining compassionately involved and detached at the same time.
Looking back
I can see how God was already preparing me for what was to come.
I went for my morning run...
I broke down and sobbed when I saw Heron take flight in front of me and fly away
my sons' totem holds Heron strongly
he has one visit his almost everyday at his work
I had to let the emotions come and wave over me
and when I was done I looked up to see Eagle
sitting strong in the tree above me
reminding me to stand tall even in my grief
to keep my eye on the bigger picture
and above all
remember I do not walk alone
Spirit gave me this to sing to myself:
Trust walks by my side
Faith lights my way
Hope keeps my back
Whenever things like this arise I have a tribe of prayer warrioress that I go to
so the texts went out and a few of the responses were
" Mamma told me to pray for you yesterday too"
"You were on my heart early this morning, I guess this is why"
"Will do, if you need to talk, call on me"
When you have a community, often things will begin being laid out even before something has happened.
This is the amazing work of Spirit...when we ask for help
it is given
when we ask for guidance
it is given
it comes in many different ways
and it is a practice to learn the language...
and through this practice the Peace comes in
looking for more guidance I pulled two cards
one for my day
and one for the week
The Lady Bug (for the day)
~This is a time of good fortune and abundance, so be willing to receive all good things in your life
Gratitude is the key to continually receiving good fortune, joy and abundance
Camel (for the week)
~Trust that you have the resources to get through the challenge before you
All the experiences you've had in your lifetime, the challenges you've successfully faced, and the wealth of knowledge you've accumulated can be called on to not only cope with any type of adversity that presents itself, but to help you move forward with courage and determination.
Indeed
I felt grateful for these words of guidance and encouragement
they were truth I needed to here
and the Peace continued and as I walked through my day
it brought along with it
Clarity...
I took a visit to see a SoulSister
she gave me this to ponder
1) What do you feel you learn or are faced with again and again?
my answer:
The practice of letting go, opening the way for my faithful companions to join me-Trust Faith and Hope
this very morning I wrote in my journal
Trust walks by my side
Faith lights my way
Hope keeps my back
2) How can you reframed your thinking around the pattern in order to bring new perspective?
my answer:
My former pattern was to allow the darkness to consume me...I let it have it's way with me...the good that has come out of this is that I am deeply familiar with it...we go way back : )
But now, in my transformed self I befriend it, embrace it, but never let it become bigger than me.
I realize now through my journey this serves no one
neither darkness or myself.
3) What are the undeniable aspects of you which call for your attention?
my answer:
To not be victim
To stand tall...even if I don't know the way
Even if I don't have the words
I have myself
and only I can keep myself rooted
only I can keep myself standing tall
only I can be true to me...all else will follow
*
I welcomed this prompt of reflection
it was exactly what I needed
and God again
delivered
I sought and found
I asked and was answered
I called out in my grief
and comfort was given
This is why I choose to walk a Spiritual path
for these exact reasons.
I won't lie
when my son left after picking some things up yesterday
(he is staying on a friend couch)
a pain crossed my upper body
wrapping it in the heaviness of grief
Walking a Spiritual Path does not eliminate pain and challenges...those things are a natural part of this human experience
but what it does do is offer you relief and a bigger understanding. It gives you Hope and through that Hope comes a Peace
that passes all understanding
a Peace that surpasses human sense
a Peace that can only come from a Source bigger than us
a Source I happen to call God
*
Today is another day in my new reality
an enlightening email from a wise sister
an enlightening email from a wise sister
and a morning run with the moon on one side of me
and the sun on the other
along with an owl that flew in front of me
and I prayed
"let me see what it is I need to see"
I know this story was long...and I thank you if you have remained
I am indeed The Messenger
and my prayer is you find your message in this story...
that you experience Peace
a Peace that passes all understanding.
Love and Light
note: those images of my son walking away were taken a while back as he was leaving for school
I really did not want you to think I photographed his leaving...
