Mondays offering...My family part two

I was determined to make it on my own. Me and Nathen against the world! I soldiered forward and surrounded myself with armour. I even went so far as to get a tattoo, to remind myself why not to get back together with John. The very tattoo that I used to keep myself away from John in essence brought us back together, in a way neither of us could have ever imagined.

The next few years were hard ones for John and I. We hurt one another with words and actions, it was a very confusing time. We would go to mediation to battle out our custody agreement, and then on break would go for lunch and share a meal and a laugh. It was a very confusing and emotional time, and it was the first time I really understood the ugliness that a break up can bring. 
The truth is there are still feelings, that is why it hurts, that is why we hide behind anger. We want to forget that once we loved this person, we want to forget that once we counted on this person. At the time it seems easier to focus on all the let downs and disappointments then let the love back in. But in the long run, holding on to the hurt only makes things continue to do just that .... hurt.

Things seemed to get worse before they got better. I even considered taking Nathen and disappearing. This is how desperate our situation felt at times to me. I tried to hold on to the thought of the person I knew John to be, but it was a dark time in our relationship. When I met my now husband, Steve, things became even worse. I always say to people that John and I battled down into a dark pit, we did not leave any stone unturned. The thing was that by doing this eventually there was no more stones to turn, no more things to throw into each others faces, no more tearing down. We actually got to the point of we had nothing left to do but rebuild. After all we had to get out of this pit somehow!

This kind of rebuilding takes time. But for me, I gambled on John's character. I gambled on the person I knew he was, and the love he had for our son. I could only hope and pray that my gamble would pay off.

Not shortly after Steve and I became serious, John met his now partner Danika; Nathen was 5 at this time. I have to attribute a lot of what we have now on these two amazing people. They were key to John and mine healing and moving forward. Both supported a healthy relationship between all of us, both loved Nathen and wanted to do what was best for him. Both willing to forge relationships, both willing to put their heart on the line for us. Never underestimate the power of your new spouse. Thank God John and I both had the sense to choose wisely!

For me there was a few key events that caused huge shifts in bringing this family together one of them being the death of my father to cancer in 1999. Death has a way of changing the steps in your dance. About 6 months after his passing I went to John, emotion filled and ready to take off the armour.

I went to his home that he now shared with Danika, in a few suburbs away from ours, and we walked to the park across the street. To this day I am not even sure of what he heard or didn't hear, as I cried through the whole confession. I poured everything out; apologies, regrets,my dreams for us, my hopes for our family. I realize now that is wasn't so much for him as it was for me. A point of change for me. I saw that we had a chance to build something out of the ashes, and I wanted to take that chance, and I wanted him to know it.

When John and Danika attended our wedding, another big shift happened. One that really affected Nathen and his view of all of us. I believe that this was a turning point for Nathen to know that it was okay for him to love us all. If we were okay with each other, then he was okay. It took some talking between John and I to have this happen and in the end I left it in his hands. With support from his amazing girlfriend they both came and my heart burst with joy! So again, Nathen was our motivation, but in the end this meant something to all of us.

Love and Light my lovelies...thank you for reading my heart*