A Love Story...

There once was a girl

with hair that danced like fire

and eyes are dark as coal

She was born into the depth of despair
in a place and time

where her mother was forced to leave her

forbidden to take her home...

For in the mothers house

there breathed a curse

One that held the women of that blood line

in darkness.

They had been cut off from their true selves

from their sacred gifts

from their divine callings

and they had forgotten

who they  were.
And over time frustration and anger
had taken the place
of what was
and the child's grandmother
 was the angriest of them all.
She would not allow
her daughter to bring this child
one born our of wed-lock
into their home
and she turned away from the child
and held her daughter at bay
until the day the child was born
and left
and forgotten.

But the mother of the child
did not forget
She remembered
hoping one day
this child would return
and break the curse
that lay upon her family.
*
The child was taken in by another family
one in which the woman of the house
was barren
and longed for children
So the child became the last of 4
and began her life
far away from where she came.
*

The child was as vibrant as her hair
and as wild
she challenged the tidy life of her parents
often stoking the anger
that burned inside her father
fro his own tormented past.
It was not long before the child
realized she had a companion...
one of a darker nature.
At first she found comfort in this darkness
but soon
as she grew
the darkness grew from friend to foe
and seemed to have a hold on her
taking her into the depths of despair
just like those before her
To the outside world
she looked happy
but inside 
raged a war
In adolescence the war  at times
became so intense,
swirling with the burning anger
of her father
and it almost seemed to much
for her to take
and she longed for death.
She did not understand what or why
these things were happening to her
And yet
in the darkness of her hiding place
she would hear a voice
whispering to her
from a place she did not yet know...
"Don't give up
Don't give up
Don't give up."

So she would live to face another day.

As she grew into an adult
she accepted her companion
as the way it was
Feeling as if it was stitched to her being
she learned to live with it.
As a young adult
she ignored it
distract herself from it
self medicate and  
day-dreamed of something else.
But it remained
pulling her down 
any chance it could
and when she was alone
her mind would hurt
pulling her this way and that.
Torturing her very soul
And she wondered when would it end
and she wondered how.
*

And then that day came
when death brought to her new life
and she began to awaken
For indeed she had not been dead
as she had thought
She had only been asleep.
And as she awoke
to the world around her
she began to heal
she began to light seek
and by doing so
she gained strength
and knowledge
and wisdom
So much so
she began to not only be a light chaser
she also to on the role of shadow stalker
stalking her own shadows
finding our their secrets
and learning their language.
And every year that past
she felt her self
coming back to her true essence
One with out curses of the past
One that did not cling to old habits
old ways of dealing
One that was free
from all that had been with her
the curse of her blood line
and burn of her fathers anger
the confusion of a warrior mind.
And soon
without her even realizing
the despair was gone
the darkness lifted.
And it was then she realized
that indeed
it had been her who had clung to the darkness
it had been her who had clung to the despair
for it had been all she had known
and it seemed safe
in it familiarity...
And as this unfolding was happening
she had a dream
in which she was visited by an ancient
of her blood line
This woman
her great great great grandmother
told her of how this line had been broken and cursed
how the woman of her past had been shamed
from their gifts
how they had forgotten
and by doing so
had replaced all that was good
with a longing
and emptiness
bringing in the darkness of despair.
She went on to show the child
that she had been the one to break the curse
to set them all free.
That though she had suffered
it was not for naught
there had been purpose
there had been reason.
She took the girls hands,
now a woman
holding them and caressing them
telling her, her lifes purpose
showing her the gifts she held
infusing her with the power of her ancestors
and all those who stood with her.
Never could she have imagined
the possibility of such freedom
and yet
her heart knew
all this to be true.
*

The child,
now a woman,
did eventually seek out her birth mother
to let her know
of the freedom
to let her know
all was well
to let her know
she loved her and was not angry
And the birth mother wept
at such news
and let the freedom wash over her
as best she could
for her heart had been broken
and scared so deeply.
But to see her daughter
with the hair of flames
and eyes black as coal
set a part of her free 
unlocked a piece of her 
that she had hidden away.
*

No curse is too strong for Love to over come
For it was Love that had whispered to the girl
in the darkness
It was Love that gave her just enough light
for the step she was on
It was Love that held her and guided her
when she was lost and confused
I was Love the coaxed her
to keep searching for the birth mother
It was Love that carried them both
It was Love
Divine Love's Kiss
that awoke her spirit
and brought her back
to the land of the living
The Land of the Living Free. 
*


Love and Light



 

a little something...my family part three

(Nate holding his new little brother Aiden 2003)

I want to tell you that time became the greatest gift of all. Time allowed us to ebb and flow, growing, shifting and shaping to our new normal, our new family. One particular time that stands out for me was a time when John was late in picking Nathen up. I was feeling inconvenienced because I had to drive to a meeting location so I was already annoyed, and then he was late on top of it! Of course I held the anger inside, as Nathen was there, and our exchange was pleasant, and John did apologize for being late. But I drove away angry, like spitting nails angry. Oh the things that were rattling around in my head were not so nice. Then my Spirit quietly asked me why I was so angry with John. She softly pointed out to me that I was so easily angered by what he did and I never really gave him a chance. She told me that I was still holding on to things from the past and as long as I did that he would never be able to be redeemed in my eyes. She told me clearly that as long as I continued to carry this anger, we would never have a chance to move forward.

That was hard to take, but the words couldn't have been truer. We all let each other down now and again. I had to look at it as if it was someone else being late and how would I react. I looked at my reaction and I saw that I wasn't being fair or just in anyway. If it had been Steve, my husband, I may have said something, but let it go. It certainly would not have progressed to a place of spitting nails anger. It was another big learning lesson for me that allowed a release to happen in our growing relationship.

(Thanksgiving Breakfast 2010)

Eventually John and Danika moved into our suburb and in fact moved just blocks away form us. This allowed us to spend a lot more time with each other. We started by focusing on having family dinners once a week. Sometimes it wasn't feasible due to scheduling but we did our best. We started doing more family activities together as well, attending Nathen's events together and they even came to some of our younger son, Aiden's events. As we did more and more things together our family began to solidify. Even for our friends around us, people started to get used to all of us as a package deal. Steve and my friend's kids even started calling John John-Dad, the name we use to refer to him.

Both Nathen and Aiden have come to us with very interesting questions over the past few years.

Nathen once asked,

“If Steve is my step-dad does that mean John-Dad is Aiden's step-dad?”

Aiden just asked me the other day,

“Is John-Dad my uncle?”

I responded to him with a smile,

“No.”

He then asked,

“Then why do you say that he is our family.”

I explained to him,

“ Family is more than just blood or marriage. Because John-Dad is Nates dad that makes him a part of our family. And because you are Nates brother that makes you a part of John-Dad and Danika's family. So put us all together we are one big family!”

He totally got it. To him, he knows nothing else. His favourite place to stay when Steve and I take some alone time is with John and Danika. Yes, it is true. My ex and his wife take care of my husband and my son for us when we go away. It is crazy, we all acknowledge that, but it is also such a blessing! When I asked Nathen about how he felt about his family he said to me,

“In comparison to what?”

Like Aiden, for Nathen this is the way it is. He knows nothing else. Though when he is in trouble, I have heard him say that he wishes we didn't all get along so well. I can empathize as I am sure having 4 parents, that work together, can be a little annoying as a teenager!

Christmas 2010 

Nathen just turned 19 years old in January. If there is one thing that I can feel really proud of as a mom, it is my healed relationship with my son's father, and the genuine love I feel for both John and Danika. Never could I have imagined life as it is now. Never could I have imagined the full family that I have been given. To me, bigger forces are working here. We are really there for each other, walking it out together. It is now no longer just about Nathen, it has become about Aiden too. It has become about all of us, as one family unit. There are many thing that are different about the way we live our lives, we don't see eye to eye on everything, but the one thing remains the same, we are family. 

points of view from the others:

Steve: Well, at first I was doing it for Nathen. But then after a while it started to be about all of us.

Now there is a friendship, a relationship. Besides John would be lost without me.

Christmas 2012

John: Well, to me it is just common sense. Either you learn to get along, and everyone is happy or you don't get along and everyone is miserable. Doing it this way is so much better, it's really good! And besides Steve would be lost without me.

Danika: Our family is certainly unique.  We do have separate lives but they intertwine, and we create love and support.  We collaborate with each other, bounce around our thoughts, sound warnings, and celebrate together.  This family gives us roots, it feeds us, and gives back... really nice when you consider the alternative!  

We truly think we are a family worth celebrating.

I wanted to share this to be real and honest about the road we have traveled

This kind of life takes commitment, patience and endurance.

Sometimes it seems that others have it easy...

these are words I have heard myself.

But truth is everything has come to be

with intention and commitment.

Digging Deep and Loving Large.

Never could I have known it would have

turned out the way it has.

I fell blessed and grateful.

And humbly I say to you

anything

anything

anything

is possible

if there is Love.

Thanks for reading

my Lovelies

Love and Light

Mondays offering...My family part two

I was determined to make it on my own. Me and Nathen against the world! I soldiered forward and surrounded myself with armour. I even went so far as to get a tattoo, to remind myself why not to get back together with John. The very tattoo that I used to keep myself away from John in essence brought us back together, in a way neither of us could have ever imagined.

The next few years were hard ones for John and I. We hurt one another with words and actions, it was a very confusing time. We would go to mediation to battle out our custody agreement, and then on break would go for lunch and share a meal and a laugh. It was a very confusing and emotional time, and it was the first time I really understood the ugliness that a break up can bring. 
The truth is there are still feelings, that is why it hurts, that is why we hide behind anger. We want to forget that once we loved this person, we want to forget that once we counted on this person. At the time it seems easier to focus on all the let downs and disappointments then let the love back in. But in the long run, holding on to the hurt only makes things continue to do just that .... hurt.

Things seemed to get worse before they got better. I even considered taking Nathen and disappearing. This is how desperate our situation felt at times to me. I tried to hold on to the thought of the person I knew John to be, but it was a dark time in our relationship. When I met my now husband, Steve, things became even worse. I always say to people that John and I battled down into a dark pit, we did not leave any stone unturned. The thing was that by doing this eventually there was no more stones to turn, no more things to throw into each others faces, no more tearing down. We actually got to the point of we had nothing left to do but rebuild. After all we had to get out of this pit somehow!

This kind of rebuilding takes time. But for me, I gambled on John's character. I gambled on the person I knew he was, and the love he had for our son. I could only hope and pray that my gamble would pay off.

Not shortly after Steve and I became serious, John met his now partner Danika; Nathen was 5 at this time. I have to attribute a lot of what we have now on these two amazing people. They were key to John and mine healing and moving forward. Both supported a healthy relationship between all of us, both loved Nathen and wanted to do what was best for him. Both willing to forge relationships, both willing to put their heart on the line for us. Never underestimate the power of your new spouse. Thank God John and I both had the sense to choose wisely!

For me there was a few key events that caused huge shifts in bringing this family together one of them being the death of my father to cancer in 1999. Death has a way of changing the steps in your dance. About 6 months after his passing I went to John, emotion filled and ready to take off the armour.

I went to his home that he now shared with Danika, in a few suburbs away from ours, and we walked to the park across the street. To this day I am not even sure of what he heard or didn't hear, as I cried through the whole confession. I poured everything out; apologies, regrets,my dreams for us, my hopes for our family. I realize now that is wasn't so much for him as it was for me. A point of change for me. I saw that we had a chance to build something out of the ashes, and I wanted to take that chance, and I wanted him to know it.

When John and Danika attended our wedding, another big shift happened. One that really affected Nathen and his view of all of us. I believe that this was a turning point for Nathen to know that it was okay for him to love us all. If we were okay with each other, then he was okay. It took some talking between John and I to have this happen and in the end I left it in his hands. With support from his amazing girlfriend they both came and my heart burst with joy! So again, Nathen was our motivation, but in the end this meant something to all of us.

Love and Light my lovelies...thank you for reading my heart*

a little something...about my Family part one

 For those of you who have been with me for a while

you may have already read this story...

it was published 2 years ago in an on-line magazine

called Delish.

But after celebrating my oldest's 19th

I felt it time to take it out of the vault

and share it again and give you something to read

as I holiday in the sunshine of Florida....

I hope you enjoy it

as much as I enjoyed living it

Love and Light

*

Title: A Family to Celebrate!

Written by: Catherine Beerda-Basso

Contents Blurb: I would like to say we are just your average family, and, in so many ways we are. But as one of my teenage son's friends pointed out to me, we are like a family you might see on one of the reality television shows on TLC....and I'm okay with that.

(Christmas 2008)

Family – From Wikipedia – In human context, a family (from the Latin: familiare) is a group of people affiliated by consanguinity (which refers being from the same kinship), affinity(which refers to a natural attraction of feeling or kinship, a relationship by marriage or common bond), or co-residence.

In most societies it is the principal institution for the socialization of children. Extended from the human “family unit” by affinity, economy, culture,tradition, honour, and friendship are concepts for family that are metaphorical, or that grow increasingly inclusive extending to the nation hood and humanism.

The face of the family has changed so much these past few decades. Family no longer lies with in the boundaries of marriage, lineage, or co-habitation. Family, for this writer, has become something so much more, something bigger than I could have ever imagined, something so unexpected.

We start at the classic beginning. Boy meets girl, or girl meets boy, depending on whose perspective you are looking at. For now, we will stick to my perspective as I, said girl, am the writer and boy is quite shy and private about it all. Though, has graciously agreed to letting girl tell our story...our family story.

So the beginning, as I have mentioned, is classic. Boy and girl are both in their very early twenties and embark on a journey of love and relationship. Neither of them are really equipped at this stage, as young people never are, but they go ahead any ways, as young people do. Both bring baggage, both bring their past, both bring their dirty laundry, with hopes that the other might possibly be the one to help them take this laundry through the washer. A year and some passes and girl becomes pregnant. Now the world, as boy and girl know it, changes forever.

I clearly remember the day I told John that I was pregnant, these are the kinds of days you don't forget. It was on a pay phone in the mall by my work. I know, a bit cowardess. I was young, scared, unsure. I had already known for a couple days, and had it confirmed by my doctor. Now I needed to tell my boyfriend. So I went to the pay phone on my break, put in that quarter and called him. I cried, he was in shock, and everything shifted.

Once I knew I was pregnant the choice was simple. I would have this child. I would hunker down and do it. Once my head was wrapped around it, I knew that this child was meant to be, and I knew that I could and would be the best mom I could be. I began falling in love with the life that grew inside me.

For John, as it is for alot men even in marriage, it was a bit harder to get his head around.

The next 9 months became a tumultuous time in our relationship. We were left to our own devises, trying to navigate a terrain that neither of us seemed quite equipped to trek. We did our best. Sometimes it was pretty, sometimes not so much. It was a tough time, it was an amazing time.

January 19, 1994 our son was born. Nathen Richard Stjephan. Truly, one of the best days of my life. I was ready. I had bought into it all, hook line and sinker. I had never been so in love with another human being as I was with this baby boy. The connection was instant and deep.

For John, things were different, and though I do not want to indulge too much for that is his personal story, I want to say that as a young man, who had already been through a lot, his biggest obstacle was fear of not being enough. And this fear was a battle he needed to face.

After spending a week or so at my parents I took Nathen home to our apartment in that I shared with a family friend. I was over the moon and life played out as it does, so quickly and before I knew it Nathen was turning two.

John and I were still walking it out together, but it was on again off again and emotionally taxing for both of us. Each of us in love with this child, in love with each other, but unable to get the pieces to all fit smoothly. It was about this time that we decided to move in together. This move quickly became the demise of “us”, only later would it prove to become our rebirth....

Where we come from...

This is my mom

Ann

She is 73 and very  active.

She is a wonderful mom.

She is kind, giving and very very patient.

Today she sent out an email that I really wanted to share.

 it was 60 years ago : Jan.22  that Dad & Mom , myself, (Anna) Clarence (Klaas )  & Jack (Auke ) left Holland , from Rotterdam, boarding the Zuiderkruis. The voyage took 8 days ,and we were well looked after.  We arrived in Halifax on Jan.30th.  Boarded the train , destination Houston , B.C. the train trip was a challenge for Dad & Mom sometime,small quarters with two active boys,  arrived in Houston on Feb.5th. met by Mom's brother Oom Adriaan & his wife Tante Annie ,and several cousins , Auke, Fimke ,Wynand & Frits. Right away had the taste of moose meat at supper time.

We reported for school the next day ,but were promptly sent home , because King George had died .We moved into a one room cabin behind Oom Adriaan's house ,home made bunk beds,( all unplaned lumber ) a airtight heater in the middle of the room.Our stay in Houston was not long as there was no work for Dad ,he went to Smithers and got work there on the Planermill. With our few belongings we went to Smithers and moved into a home behind the planermill,it was called the 12 acre place, for us it always remained the 12 acre place . We lived in the back of the house , 2 bedrooms, pantry (a luxery ) living,dining & kitchen all in one , a small back porch.and of course the outhouse.We had the pump in the kitchen ,   we had to share this with the couple that lived in the front part of the house with two little boys ,they were Piet & Annie van Egdom & Janneman & Peter. Piet was a mechanic at O'neills Chevrolet.  When the pump was frozen, snow was melted,and it took a long time to get a pail full of water,or we went to the creek ,made a hole in the ice, and pulled the pails of water up the hill on a sled.  The house had a wood/cook stove .The three of us also had to get the firewood from the planermill, but at least there was no shortage of firewood ! We went to Muheim Memorial School  in Smithers. The snow did not leave us untill around Mothers Day.

 Our belongings arrived finally when we were 12 weeks in Canada. That was a great day ! To see things that we called our own. This was the year 1952 , when Louis St.Laurent was our Prime minister, W.A.C.Bennett ('till 1972 )was premier of B.C., we had never heard of the Chinese New Year, or the Robbie Burns day. I could go on , but just did not want this day go by unnoticed .This is just a little history about our first 3 months in Canada,I could have been a lot more elaborate , but I do know that Clarence & Jack enjoyed the snow, and I enjoyed the two little Van Egdom boys.Their mother died in child birth / Cancer in 1956 . The Adema's & the Hamhuis' became friends of Dad & Mom right away.These early immigrant days were not easy for our parents and we have to be thankfull to our Heavenly Father,for supplying us with all our needs in those years.

 Hope you all have a good day , Love Ann

(this picture was taken this past summer. It is my mom with one of my brothers and her brother Jack)

This email really touched me.

A lot of times those who have gone through war or immigration do not often often talk about those times. 

Over the last number of years my mom has revealed to me more and more about some of the things she experienced as a child.

Like her mom having a baby but then  few days later the baby was gone, yet no one told my mom what had happened...(the baby had died)

Or when her and my Granny had to go into hiding when Germany was occupying Holland. My Grandfather had escaped from a work camp and there was concern for my mom and Granny's safety if the German army came to  look for him at home.

My mom and Gran went to the country and lived in a barn, with other families. My Granny earned their kept by being and seamstress for the farmers wife.

(Both my Granny and Mom are gifted seamstress')

(my mom, this past summer, with some of her grandchildren...3 boys and 1 girl is missing)

Amazing stories.

I came into my mom's life when I was 3 weeks old. 

I was to be their fourth and last child,

three of whom were adopted.

And even though I am not flesh of her flesh

blood of her blood

Her stories mean more to me than words can say.

For they are my stories too.

Her life has influenced mine

and I am grateful.

Thank you mom

I am so proud to be your daughter.

Love and Light

(upon doing this post I realize I do not have any recent pictures of my mom and me...I will have to remedy that!)