Ashamed and Discussed !
*
this is what I told my husband yesterday morning
through tears
I told him that I was
Ashamed and Discussed
with my body...
I know
pretty heavy
(no pun intended lol)
since my Sister of Light Retreat
last Sept.
I have put my focus on my spiritual growth.
there has been no triathlons, no 1/2 marathons
no organized activity.
I have still been running and doing my daily thing
but with no focused training
I have put on a few pounds...
which has secretly bothered me...
thus the freak out yesterday morning...
well kinda
really
honestly
my body
the extra pounds
wasn't the deep reason for my feeling
of such distraught
it just seems to be the place I go
when things weigh on me....
there is that reference again
coincidence?
yes
I am not loving the extra "belly jelly"
but that can be handled
and will...
at some point
and I am more than my body,
but what was really beyond that
was a young man
who woke me up at 1:30am
the one who was three sheets to the wind
yup
a few too many
the one who
as soon as I opened the door
asked me if I loved him
asked me if I though he was a fuck up
confided in me how afraid he was about this next stage
how he had no idea what he was doing
how he himself felt he was a fuck up
the one who held on to me for dear life
needing his mothers assurance
and as my boy cried at the kitchen table
apologizing over and over
telling me to go back to bed...
I made him a bagel
listen to his slurred words
felt his pain
felt his fears
felt his uncertainty
I felt his loss
as he spoke of his Dida who past away suddenly
a few months ago
I felt his truth
felt his heart
felt his soul
the "freak out" was a reflection of me trying to sort
through all that had transpired
thank God for an understanding husband
though my feeling about my body has some truth
there were bigger things at play
Do you do this?
Do you sometimes deflect what really is the challenge
with those smaller challenges that are closer to the surface?
*
I had a good cry in my husbands arms
the mother in me felt the sadness
I needed to find the silent warrior within...
and as always is
a blessing awaited
in which again I could find my footing
a photo shoot
taking place in my "church"
*these photos I post today
were part of the shoot
even as I drove to the location
I was uneasy,
unsure of my ability even
but as I got closer
as Mother Earth opened up to me
and invited me in
with her open arms
I felt my legs firm
I felt my roots go deep
I shook my branches
and remembered
the Yin and Yang of all experiences.
I felt the ribbons loosen within me
felt my worries fall away
this is life
and as unsure as I am at times
I am the perfect mother for my man-child
we were perfectly matched
he has what I need
and I have what he needs
yes I could have been angry about the drinking
but again
that is the surface thing
easy to address
easy to be distracted by
but again
I choose to go deeper
really hear him
really see him
the day unraveled
and became lighter as it went on
there was chance to talk further
and a chance to give loving support....
*
and today
well today is a glorious day
filled with blessing and possibility
when I am done here
I will pack an overnight bag
as I meet up with my Moon Sisters
for some time in a cottage
by the ocean
the sun is shining
my children are happy
my husband content
*
Whats the point of sharing all this?
well
as I told a friend this week
we have choices
we have choices about how we see things
that there is no such thing as a dead end...
there is always a way out
that each moment brings with it
a new reality
that pain, sadness, and emotions in general
are a part of this human experience
but they can't stop the Light from shining in
even for a moment
the Ebb and Flow
are constantly around us
ever consistent
ever faithful
we can take comfort in that
*
So back to my question
(Monica has stopped "Keeping it Real" for the summer,
but I still felt the desire
to honour the Ebb and Flow Life)
I know
pretty heavy
(no pun intended lol)
since my Sister of Light Retreat
last Sept.
I have put my focus on my spiritual growth.
there has been no triathlons, no 1/2 marathons
no organized activity.
I have still been running and doing my daily thing
but with no focused training
I have put on a few pounds...
which has secretly bothered me...
thus the freak out yesterday morning...
well kinda
really
honestly
my body
the extra pounds
wasn't the deep reason for my feeling
of such distraught
it just seems to be the place I go
when things weigh on me....
there is that reference again
coincidence?
yes
I am not loving the extra "belly jelly"
but that can be handled
and will...
at some point
and I am more than my body,
but what was really beyond that
was a young man
who woke me up at 1:30am
the one who was three sheets to the wind
yup
a few too many
the one who
as soon as I opened the door
asked me if I loved him
asked me if I though he was a fuck up
confided in me how afraid he was about this next stage
how he had no idea what he was doing
how he himself felt he was a fuck up
the one who held on to me for dear life
needing his mothers assurance
and as my boy cried at the kitchen table
apologizing over and over
telling me to go back to bed...
I made him a bagel
listen to his slurred words
felt his pain
felt his fears
felt his uncertainty
I felt his loss
as he spoke of his Dida who past away suddenly
a few months ago
I felt his truth
felt his heart
felt his soul
the "freak out" was a reflection of me trying to sort
through all that had transpired
thank God for an understanding husband
though my feeling about my body has some truth
there were bigger things at play
Do you do this?
Do you sometimes deflect what really is the challenge
with those smaller challenges that are closer to the surface?
*
I had a good cry in my husbands arms
the mother in me felt the sadness
I needed to find the silent warrior within...
and as always is
a blessing awaited
in which again I could find my footing
a photo shoot
taking place in my "church"
*these photos I post today
were part of the shoot
even as I drove to the location
I was uneasy,
unsure of my ability even
but as I got closer
as Mother Earth opened up to me
and invited me in
with her open arms
I felt my legs firm
I felt my roots go deep
I shook my branches
and remembered
I felt the ribbons loosen within me
felt my worries fall away
this is life
and as unsure as I am at times
I am the perfect mother for my man-child
we were perfectly matched
he has what I need
and I have what he needs
yes I could have been angry about the drinking
but again
that is the surface thing
easy to address
easy to be distracted by
but again
I choose to go deeper
really hear him
really see him
the day unraveled
and became lighter as it went on
there was chance to talk further
and a chance to give loving support....
*
and today
well today is a glorious day
filled with blessing and possibility
when I am done here
I will pack an overnight bag
as I meet up with my Moon Sisters
for some time in a cottage
by the ocean
the sun is shining
my children are happy
my husband content
*
Whats the point of sharing all this?
well
as I told a friend this week
we have choices
we have choices about how we see things
that there is no such thing as a dead end...
there is always a way out
that each moment brings with it
a new reality
that pain, sadness, and emotions in general
are a part of this human experience
but they can't stop the Light from shining in
even for a moment
the Ebb and Flow
are constantly around us
ever consistent
ever faithful
we can take comfort in that
*
So back to my question
Do you do this?
Do you sometimes deflect what really is the challenge
with those smaller challenges that are closer to the surface?
I would really like to know
if this resonates with you
or if I am alone on this.
*Thank you my Lovelies*
happy weekend to you all
Love and Light
(Monica has stopped "Keeping it Real" for the summer,
but I still felt the desire
to honour the Ebb and Flow Life)
I constantly deflect. squeezy hug from me to you. i so understand this.. oh motherhood and all that comes with being woman. I do the same thing with my weight. it is where i deflect too and most days, I don't think twice about it but when something else is going on, something deeper, i seem to focus on my exterior rather than my interior. It happened even when I was in tip top physical shape with no extra body fat. we are deep complicated beings. sitting in the midst of a child's pain, knowing they too are deep complicated beings and taking it in because that's what mothers do, especially empaths, well that can be devastating. I'm glad that you spoke about this. it helps knowing that other women do this too and I agree, there is choice.. sometimes it comes after the storm. The pain I think is inevitable because when you love, it can hurt. Especially when it's your child. Then the sun comes out again and the choice is clear and it helps sustain for awhile until the next one. ebbs and flows exactly. love to you my friend. xoxo
ReplyDeleteyou are brave for love: could there be anything more noble?
ReplyDeletexoxo,
A
This resonates with me and I will tell you what God spoke to clearly into my heart about 2 years ago. I was driving home from a late night visit with friends. The anguish of not being enough for my boy surfaced and my insecurity over the adoption being his "real" mom came up again. God so clearly said "no-one can be the mother you can for Reuben. You are all he needs". And that built a security in me that has remained. No-one can be the mother you can be for your boy. Through all your (and my!) imperfections the truth remains. You are all he needs. Be encouraged lovely Cat xx.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I had coffee with our beloved Gail yesterday! So good for my soul, she's amazing.
Thank you so much for sharing. Love your honesty and depth. I too struggle with my body. The last 2 years the weight has been creeping up and seeing myself in photos from this last week was a startling wake up. I didn't feel like I was looking at myself. I don't know the answer or path to get back to loving myself except for one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteyou poured out so much, dear friend.
ReplyDeletei walk down the path with you, the waters flooding and the sun rising to draw the water away into the clouds.
it is all ebb and flow.
beautiful, beautiful.
ps. i deflect, i am working to be straight-forward, but, yes, i do.
xo
I echo glynis;) and I think your pretty just the way you are;)
ReplyDeleteIt's diversion, letting the "little" things cloud the bigger picture. I think it's a process that we all go through, the uncertainty of how to handle so many difficult situations, while the perfection syndrome keeps nagging at us. I believe, as long as you do the very best that you can, the rest will take care of itself. Your life is unfolding the way it's suppose to. You live, you learn, you love. And YOU are unique and one of a kind, and you dear Cat, lady of love and light, will be just fine.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, the challenges are too many and we are overwhelmed...and then there is a need to prioritize...Yes, I agree. It is difficult sometimes but speaking about these situations also liberates us and gives us a clear perspective of how to go about. I feel that from time to time we need to "let go" of some issues and decide what is more important for us "at this moment". And I have always found that the answer is "peace of mind, above everything else ".
ReplyDeleteOf course I can totally relate to your words, do all women struggle this way? I have had a very emotional week, working through the process of letting go of things, particularly as a mother. As I feel uncertain about the bigger things and how to process them, my old insecurities rise to the surface. It is good to know I can walk this out with other women. About the weight thing...you are the only one noticing that...I think you look as beautiful as ever!
ReplyDeletewhat vulnerably brave words.
ReplyDeleteyou continue to shimmer, friend, and shine even in the midst of your light and dark. much love to you.
Arms around you from New Zealand xxx
ReplyDeleteThese words like all your words speak directly to me - you speak so openly so honestly -
xxx