For all that is Sacred...

As I slowly return to myself

I am finding my space to write...

There are those thing that are so sacred that the words of our human language are like a faint whisper 

barely caressing the truth of such experiences

as the one I just lived.

And there are moments 

that must be left to only those who bore witness

because words could never

and would never be able to explain

or give understanding to

what is was that transpired... 

That is how I feel about attending Vision Quest Camp....

I had been asked by a sister-friend to be 
one of her supporters.
She asked me to hold space for her in the East.
This meant that daily I said prayers for her
as I lay down sacred tobacco onto Mother Earth.
I called in the new day for her,
honouring and giving gratitude
 for the new beginning that is allowed each us
in the East.
I prayed for Clarity, Illumination and Wisdom.
I prayed for the winds of change
the breath of life
the subtly of the whisper...
I did this for many many months
and it was an honour...

And as it was 
two other sisters of our SouLodge tribe 
went up the mountain as well...
this made the coming together
just that much more meaningful.

Along with our 3 SouLodge sisters
there were 4 other women
bringing with them a caliber of supporters
that brought the camp to a place of family.
Upon arriving the first day we were strangers...
We then sent our loved ones up the mountain
with prayers and honouring
and we became community.
Then after the first night
of our loved ones
on the mountain
and with raw emotions running high
we became family.

My week spent in this exceptional place
for this extraordinary event was filled with so much sacred.
When one is in continual ceremony for 5 days
encounters run deep and meaningful
small talk is non-existant
and honesty is worn like casual clothing.

I witnessed my own sons rite of passage
as he found his own tribe mates
and with that new connection
offered an elder tobacco so the kids could expereince
a sweat lodge, just for them.
I watched from afar as he tended fire
and handled the stones
for the sacred ceremony...
I noticed how after the first night
her would not sit with me again in the TeePee.
But sat comfortable on his own 
in the circle
listening to the wisdom that was shared with all.
I watched him laugh and burst with joy
in a place that on the first day
he told me he did not belong...

I spent time alone...in tearfilled prayer
under a juniper tree
with my feet on sacred ground...
so moved I was with gratitude 
for being where I was
living this life
and living it awake.

 
There was special moments
and words shared with brothers
and sisters
Some new
some like old friends of a past
long before this life began.

But like I said earlier
some of these things
are too sacred to put to words
and those who I stood with
know what it is I say
not in way of exclusion
but by way of honouring
the deep magic that was shared.

I will say this
we, as a people, are good.
When we come together
because of Love...
even while, maybe not fully understanding,
but showing up anyways,
great things happen.
I witnessed many different peoples
coming together from many different walks
and uniting under a banner of 
Love and Honouring
 for someone dear.
And together we held each other;
Supported each other

Listened to each other

Stood by each other

Ate together

Prayed together

Sweated together

Burned together

all for Love.

We all felt it.

We all knew it.

And we all wondered how we could bring it back with us

how to bring this kind of magic

back into a world

where we are told magic is not real...

Well I believe Love to be magic

and living from that place

expands out an energy from each of us

an energy that causes change

Maybe we will never see the influence 

of our Love on another...

but I ask you...is that that point?

What is we expand this energy out as a way of life

not for results

but because it is a life style we choose.

 

My sisters spent their 4 days on the mountain...

without food or water

encountering deeply The Great Mystery

feeling Mother Earth as she held them

and looking up to Father Sky as he watched over them...

Each of them coming back with Spirit Eyes,

forever changed...

as I know is was for many of us in camp

forever changed

by this sacred experience we shared.

 *

Today is my dads birthday

he would have been 86

16 years ago cancer claimed him

after 4 different encounters.

This day remindes me of the power we have

on affecting other lives by our actions...

by our expanding or withholding of Love...

Our story was not one that had a happy ending

my dad died angry with me

and I was angry with him...

there was no resolution

no beautiful final words

and it is that which I grieve

the loss of redemption

the loss of truth and honesty

the loss of cracked hearts

and broken tears

the loss of a chance to expand

and make a difference...

Never underestimate the affect you have on another

If your heart has the desire to say something

say it

Look that person deep in the eye 

open your heart

dare to connect

we are all scared...and we are all sacred
so do it anyways

the moment is all we have

and it matters

as it is

with all that is sacred...

Love and Light

The Truth about Re-Entry and Hero's....

I have been home now for 5 days...

(flowers waiting for me on the kitchen table...I have a good husband)

I arrived early Sunday morning

and crawled into my own bed, in an empty house

at 4:30am

completely spent after over 24 hours of travel

three planes

security checks

expensive airport food

and the return to the land of plenty.

I slept for a few hours...waking to my husbands text

"are you awake?"

lol

I did not mind

I was happy to hear from him

and even happier hear that he and our youngest

were on their way home 

from Vancouver Island.

This gave me a morning to myself,

time to shower

unpack

listen to music

and attempt to get my footing

in solitude.

A good thing after 10 days of never being alone.

A good thing after 10 days of constant

movement

noise

and

chaos.

A good thing after 5 days of deep stories, painful realities and childhoods lost.

I then drove out to meet my best friend for lunch...

I had to get out

the sun was shining

and the cool air felt good against my skin

The skin that was burning with emotions

struggling with elation and grief

feeling unsettled

I drove with the sunroof open

letting the cool spring air whip my hair around.

Hawk flew over me

welcoming me home

then another

then another

then another.

I felt seen and heard as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

"I can't escape this now, unless you show me how"

Re-entry for me

has always been a process

my heart is open and feels all things

and as deep as I go with those in Colombia

so is the distance I must find my way back

This goes back to childhood.

I was always the one crying when we left someones homes

at which we spent some substantial time at... 

After being prompted by my sister Rain
with the question
"Hows your heart?" 
I wrote this to her:

"My heart is tender
torn in two...residing in two earthly worlds
and trying to find it's way back
to each other
stitching itself whole in yet another new way
moment of complete contentment
and gratitude
only to be jarred into the deepest of pain...
pain enough to stop my breath
with each day it feels stronger
more whole
and yet
it will never be the same 
as it always is
when I return from Pilgrimage
Painfully Beautiful
it is all
Painfully Beautiful"

This is where I am
Edging out of the stillness
and solitude of my thoughts
and experience
Slowly stepping back into
a life of movement
and a different kind of noise.

At yoga yesterday I felt the grief
that was contained in my lower organs
and as I did my twists
I could feel that grief being wrung out...
the grief of leaving
the grief of the stories
the grief of the loss that poverty holds
and the tears rolled down my face
After class a beautiful angel came over to me
and place her small hands on my face
and said
with tears in her eyes
"Thank you for the work you do 
for the children of my country." 
We both came undone
and silently wept in each others arms.
It was good to know someone understood...
that someone knew what I had seen
knew what I had heard
knew where I had been
and understood
without me saying a word. 

Today I read this
to which I responded with this:

 feeling your words deeply today Robin....it is a season of re-birth and yet I feel I am trudging up through the mud instead of bursting forth through the soil...it is the re-entry of one world to another that has me feeling so...the gratitude of the life I returned to and the grief of leaving the lives I am bound to...
torn
grieving
loving
dancing
feeling
wanting someone to reach out to me and yet wanting to be left alone...because it can't just be anyone, it has to be someone who knows, who knows deep...
these are not the surface wounds, are they sister
they are the wounds of life, death and divinity
these are the wounds that need medicine of the ancients....medicine from the great magic....
mmmmm
I feel a stirring and must write these words down....
how ever you came to this place
I know it too
so I will grieve with you 
as my lantern burns
and the earth will receive our tears and she will grow something beautiful with them....
this I know

After reading this
 I felt inspired
inspired to be exactly where I am
without apology
without explanation

Today I am trudging through the mud
I know that I will be exfoliatedand renewed 
when I am done
but I do not know how long it will take
So till then
I marinate
I marinate in the mud and grime
of all I have seen...
I let the tear come when they need to
Through some tears I will grieve
 and through others I will laugh
But I will make no apology
instead 
I will share with you
a few of my Hero's.....

Love and Light my Hero's
oh how my heart misses you...

 

A Love Story...

There once was a girl

with hair that danced like fire

and eyes are dark as coal

She was born into the depth of despair
in a place and time

where her mother was forced to leave her

forbidden to take her home...

For in the mothers house

there breathed a curse

One that held the women of that blood line

in darkness.

They had been cut off from their true selves

from their sacred gifts

from their divine callings

and they had forgotten

who they  were.
And over time frustration and anger
had taken the place
of what was
and the child's grandmother
 was the angriest of them all.
She would not allow
her daughter to bring this child
one born our of wed-lock
into their home
and she turned away from the child
and held her daughter at bay
until the day the child was born
and left
and forgotten.

But the mother of the child
did not forget
She remembered
hoping one day
this child would return
and break the curse
that lay upon her family.
*
The child was taken in by another family
one in which the woman of the house
was barren
and longed for children
So the child became the last of 4
and began her life
far away from where she came.
*

The child was as vibrant as her hair
and as wild
she challenged the tidy life of her parents
often stoking the anger
that burned inside her father
fro his own tormented past.
It was not long before the child
realized she had a companion...
one of a darker nature.
At first she found comfort in this darkness
but soon
as she grew
the darkness grew from friend to foe
and seemed to have a hold on her
taking her into the depths of despair
just like those before her
To the outside world
she looked happy
but inside 
raged a war
In adolescence the war  at times
became so intense,
swirling with the burning anger
of her father
and it almost seemed to much
for her to take
and she longed for death.
She did not understand what or why
these things were happening to her
And yet
in the darkness of her hiding place
she would hear a voice
whispering to her
from a place she did not yet know...
"Don't give up
Don't give up
Don't give up."

So she would live to face another day.

As she grew into an adult
she accepted her companion
as the way it was
Feeling as if it was stitched to her being
she learned to live with it.
As a young adult
she ignored it
distract herself from it
self medicate and  
day-dreamed of something else.
But it remained
pulling her down 
any chance it could
and when she was alone
her mind would hurt
pulling her this way and that.
Torturing her very soul
And she wondered when would it end
and she wondered how.
*

And then that day came
when death brought to her new life
and she began to awaken
For indeed she had not been dead
as she had thought
She had only been asleep.
And as she awoke
to the world around her
she began to heal
she began to light seek
and by doing so
she gained strength
and knowledge
and wisdom
So much so
she began to not only be a light chaser
she also to on the role of shadow stalker
stalking her own shadows
finding our their secrets
and learning their language.
And every year that past
she felt her self
coming back to her true essence
One with out curses of the past
One that did not cling to old habits
old ways of dealing
One that was free
from all that had been with her
the curse of her blood line
and burn of her fathers anger
the confusion of a warrior mind.
And soon
without her even realizing
the despair was gone
the darkness lifted.
And it was then she realized
that indeed
it had been her who had clung to the darkness
it had been her who had clung to the despair
for it had been all she had known
and it seemed safe
in it familiarity...
And as this unfolding was happening
she had a dream
in which she was visited by an ancient
of her blood line
This woman
her great great great grandmother
told her of how this line had been broken and cursed
how the woman of her past had been shamed
from their gifts
how they had forgotten
and by doing so
had replaced all that was good
with a longing
and emptiness
bringing in the darkness of despair.
She went on to show the child
that she had been the one to break the curse
to set them all free.
That though she had suffered
it was not for naught
there had been purpose
there had been reason.
She took the girls hands,
now a woman
holding them and caressing them
telling her, her lifes purpose
showing her the gifts she held
infusing her with the power of her ancestors
and all those who stood with her.
Never could she have imagined
the possibility of such freedom
and yet
her heart knew
all this to be true.
*

The child,
now a woman,
did eventually seek out her birth mother
to let her know
of the freedom
to let her know
all was well
to let her know
she loved her and was not angry
And the birth mother wept
at such news
and let the freedom wash over her
as best she could
for her heart had been broken
and scared so deeply.
But to see her daughter
with the hair of flames
and eyes black as coal
set a part of her free 
unlocked a piece of her 
that she had hidden away.
*

No curse is too strong for Love to over come
For it was Love that had whispered to the girl
in the darkness
It was Love that gave her just enough light
for the step she was on
It was Love that held her and guided her
when she was lost and confused
I was Love the coaxed her
to keep searching for the birth mother
It was Love that carried them both
It was Love
Divine Love's Kiss
that awoke her spirit
and brought her back
to the land of the living
The Land of the Living Free. 
*


Love and Light