Mondays offering...My family part two

I was determined to make it on my own. Me and Nathen against the world! I soldiered forward and surrounded myself with armour. I even went so far as to get a tattoo, to remind myself why not to get back together with John. The very tattoo that I used to keep myself away from John in essence brought us back together, in a way neither of us could have ever imagined.

The next few years were hard ones for John and I. We hurt one another with words and actions, it was a very confusing time. We would go to mediation to battle out our custody agreement, and then on break would go for lunch and share a meal and a laugh. It was a very confusing and emotional time, and it was the first time I really understood the ugliness that a break up can bring. 
The truth is there are still feelings, that is why it hurts, that is why we hide behind anger. We want to forget that once we loved this person, we want to forget that once we counted on this person. At the time it seems easier to focus on all the let downs and disappointments then let the love back in. But in the long run, holding on to the hurt only makes things continue to do just that .... hurt.

Things seemed to get worse before they got better. I even considered taking Nathen and disappearing. This is how desperate our situation felt at times to me. I tried to hold on to the thought of the person I knew John to be, but it was a dark time in our relationship. When I met my now husband, Steve, things became even worse. I always say to people that John and I battled down into a dark pit, we did not leave any stone unturned. The thing was that by doing this eventually there was no more stones to turn, no more things to throw into each others faces, no more tearing down. We actually got to the point of we had nothing left to do but rebuild. After all we had to get out of this pit somehow!

This kind of rebuilding takes time. But for me, I gambled on John's character. I gambled on the person I knew he was, and the love he had for our son. I could only hope and pray that my gamble would pay off.

Not shortly after Steve and I became serious, John met his now partner Danika; Nathen was 5 at this time. I have to attribute a lot of what we have now on these two amazing people. They were key to John and mine healing and moving forward. Both supported a healthy relationship between all of us, both loved Nathen and wanted to do what was best for him. Both willing to forge relationships, both willing to put their heart on the line for us. Never underestimate the power of your new spouse. Thank God John and I both had the sense to choose wisely!

For me there was a few key events that caused huge shifts in bringing this family together one of them being the death of my father to cancer in 1999. Death has a way of changing the steps in your dance. About 6 months after his passing I went to John, emotion filled and ready to take off the armour.

I went to his home that he now shared with Danika, in a few suburbs away from ours, and we walked to the park across the street. To this day I am not even sure of what he heard or didn't hear, as I cried through the whole confession. I poured everything out; apologies, regrets,my dreams for us, my hopes for our family. I realize now that is wasn't so much for him as it was for me. A point of change for me. I saw that we had a chance to build something out of the ashes, and I wanted to take that chance, and I wanted him to know it.

When John and Danika attended our wedding, another big shift happened. One that really affected Nathen and his view of all of us. I believe that this was a turning point for Nathen to know that it was okay for him to love us all. If we were okay with each other, then he was okay. It took some talking between John and I to have this happen and in the end I left it in his hands. With support from his amazing girlfriend they both came and my heart burst with joy! So again, Nathen was our motivation, but in the end this meant something to all of us.

Love and Light my lovelies...thank you for reading my heart*

a little something...about my Family part one

 For those of you who have been with me for a while

you may have already read this story...

it was published 2 years ago in an on-line magazine

called Delish.

But after celebrating my oldest's 19th

I felt it time to take it out of the vault

and share it again and give you something to read

as I holiday in the sunshine of Florida....

I hope you enjoy it

as much as I enjoyed living it

Love and Light

*

Title: A Family to Celebrate!

Written by: Catherine Beerda-Basso

Contents Blurb: I would like to say we are just your average family, and, in so many ways we are. But as one of my teenage son's friends pointed out to me, we are like a family you might see on one of the reality television shows on TLC....and I'm okay with that.

(Christmas 2008)

Family – From Wikipedia – In human context, a family (from the Latin: familiare) is a group of people affiliated by consanguinity (which refers being from the same kinship), affinity(which refers to a natural attraction of feeling or kinship, a relationship by marriage or common bond), or co-residence.

In most societies it is the principal institution for the socialization of children. Extended from the human “family unit” by affinity, economy, culture,tradition, honour, and friendship are concepts for family that are metaphorical, or that grow increasingly inclusive extending to the nation hood and humanism.

The face of the family has changed so much these past few decades. Family no longer lies with in the boundaries of marriage, lineage, or co-habitation. Family, for this writer, has become something so much more, something bigger than I could have ever imagined, something so unexpected.

We start at the classic beginning. Boy meets girl, or girl meets boy, depending on whose perspective you are looking at. For now, we will stick to my perspective as I, said girl, am the writer and boy is quite shy and private about it all. Though, has graciously agreed to letting girl tell our story...our family story.

So the beginning, as I have mentioned, is classic. Boy and girl are both in their very early twenties and embark on a journey of love and relationship. Neither of them are really equipped at this stage, as young people never are, but they go ahead any ways, as young people do. Both bring baggage, both bring their past, both bring their dirty laundry, with hopes that the other might possibly be the one to help them take this laundry through the washer. A year and some passes and girl becomes pregnant. Now the world, as boy and girl know it, changes forever.

I clearly remember the day I told John that I was pregnant, these are the kinds of days you don't forget. It was on a pay phone in the mall by my work. I know, a bit cowardess. I was young, scared, unsure. I had already known for a couple days, and had it confirmed by my doctor. Now I needed to tell my boyfriend. So I went to the pay phone on my break, put in that quarter and called him. I cried, he was in shock, and everything shifted.

Once I knew I was pregnant the choice was simple. I would have this child. I would hunker down and do it. Once my head was wrapped around it, I knew that this child was meant to be, and I knew that I could and would be the best mom I could be. I began falling in love with the life that grew inside me.

For John, as it is for alot men even in marriage, it was a bit harder to get his head around.

The next 9 months became a tumultuous time in our relationship. We were left to our own devises, trying to navigate a terrain that neither of us seemed quite equipped to trek. We did our best. Sometimes it was pretty, sometimes not so much. It was a tough time, it was an amazing time.

January 19, 1994 our son was born. Nathen Richard Stjephan. Truly, one of the best days of my life. I was ready. I had bought into it all, hook line and sinker. I had never been so in love with another human being as I was with this baby boy. The connection was instant and deep.

For John, things were different, and though I do not want to indulge too much for that is his personal story, I want to say that as a young man, who had already been through a lot, his biggest obstacle was fear of not being enough. And this fear was a battle he needed to face.

After spending a week or so at my parents I took Nathen home to our apartment in that I shared with a family friend. I was over the moon and life played out as it does, so quickly and before I knew it Nathen was turning two.

John and I were still walking it out together, but it was on again off again and emotionally taxing for both of us. Each of us in love with this child, in love with each other, but unable to get the pieces to all fit smoothly. It was about this time that we decided to move in together. This move quickly became the demise of “us”, only later would it prove to become our rebirth....

Mondays Offering...A Man Who Moves My Soul

The very next day

he was assassinated...

His son once said in an interview...
"My father used to say,
'I love everybody, 
I'm every man's brother.
You may not love me, 
but that's your issue...
not mine'."

I love this man....

"So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

~Martin Luther King

I believe this freedom is available to us now
BUT
we have live like we are free!
As long as we continue to live as slaves,
in fear of whatever it is that we are afraid of,
we will be slaves to those fears.
On this day
my lovelies
as we remember a great man
who stood for the equality of all
and who died standing up
for that equality,
LET FREEDOM RING
Live Free
along side a Creator that made us all
along side a Creator that loves us all
along side a Creator that sees us all

Love and Light

Gift from God...

Today you are 19...

and you remain

one of the Greatest Gifts

I have ever been given.

Hot sand on toes, cold sand in sleeping bags,
I've come to know that memories
Were the best things you ever had
The summer shone beat down on bony backs
So far from home where the ocean stood
Down dust and pine cone tracks

We slept like dogs down by the fire side
Awoke to the fog where all around us
The bloom of summertime

We stood
Steady as the stars in the woods
So happy-hearted
And the warmth rang true inside these bones
As the old pine fell we sang
Just to bless the morning.

Hot sand on toes, cold sand in sleeping bags,
I've come to know the friends around you
Are all you'll always have
Smoke in my lungs, or the echoed stone
Careless and young, free as the birds that fly
With weightless souls now.

We stood
Steady as the stars in the woods
So happy-hearted
And the warmth rang true inside these bones
We stood
Steady as the stars in the woods
So happy-hearted
And the warmth rang true inside these bones
As the old pine fell we sang
Just to bless the morning.

We grow, grow, steady as the morning
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, steady as the flowers
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn
We grow, grow, older still

~Ben Howard

Love and Light

a little something...

What if...

What if I told you

that everything you ever needed

was already inside of you

What if I told you

that you were loved and cared for

beyond your own thoughts of Love

What if I told you

that inside of you lay a purpose

deeper and bigger than what you are able

to imagine

What if I told you

that you were beautiful

beyond compare

and special

beyond words

What if I told you

that without

YOU

this world would not be complete

What if I told you

that life is so much more

than what you see

What if I told you

worldly success is not success at all

but that success

real success

can only be found in Love

What if I told you

that magic is real

What if I told you

you were magic

What if I told you

What if I told

What if I 

What if

What

Would you believe?

What are you believing about yourself today

my lovelies?

Love and Light

Mondays Offerings...all that is new

We went down early
me and my puppy prince
before the sun rose

waiting for its warmth
to cover the frozen earth
waiting for it to expel 
what was left of the night
and welcome in 
the new day
*
we could see its presence rising
waiting for the exact moment it would
 show itself over the line
of the horizon
  

the earth
hung in anticipation of it's awakening
and the blanket of fog
slowly rose
as movement began
throughout the trees

 and then He appeared
the golden flame of light
a perfect circumference
inching into the full sky
bringing in 
another new day
filled with possibilities
filled with choices
filled with life

and I took it all in
basking in the warm light
as it caress my frozen cheeks
Grateful for a new day
new chances
new experiences
new possibilities...
*

these days
my life has been filled
with many things new
a readjusting of space and time
a new rhythm
a new beat
I have not been visiting 
as I usually do
this will take some time
to find my place
within this new song

I am doing some traveling
in the next few weeks
a couple adventures
lie in wait
a trip to Phoenix with a girlfriend
to do a half marathon
and then a family excursion 
to Florida
(minus one member who will stay home to hold down the fort)
but I will schedule some posts
for a story I have to tell...

these are new
and yet familiar times
I am blessed by this new day
and all the beauty
the light
and
the dark
that it holds

For a New Beginning

a Blessing to Bless the Space between Us

by John O'Donohue

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander,

This beginning has been quitly forming

Waiting untill you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,

Noticing how you willed yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had our grown.

It watched you play with the seduction of sagety

And the gray promises that sameness whispered

Heard the waves of trumoil rise and relent

Wondered woudl you always live like this.

Then the deligh, when your courage kindled

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream,

A path of plentitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear

You can trust the promise of this opening;

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning

That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;

Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the wrold that awaits you.

What is new for you my lovelies?

Love and Light

a few little somethings...

a little inspiration...

two special movies...

a heart wrenched song...

I know what all have these clips have said to me

What do they say to you, my lovelies?

Happy Weekend!

Love and Light

Today...

Some times

you just need a best friend

a hot drink

and an adventurous 3 year old...

filled with curious and wonder.

Sometimes you just need

 a morning walk by the ocean

in a magical land where people reside on the water

living and co-habitating by their own laws.

A land where the heron chills...

where there are benches to sit on

where the eagles make out...

(get a nest!)

where homes come cheap

and the meat ball soup is in abundance

AND very nutritious and delicious.

Sometimes you just need 

to be in a land where bikes hang on loft sides

and boots are used as mailboxes.

A place

where the hawk stands guard

or sits...

whatever it is...

he chooses to do....

guarding...

whatever it is he is guarding.

All this

and then

 to return 

to the peace and tranquility

of a home filled with love and light

and magic stones

and mystical crystals

and naked children laughing in the warm waters

of Hawaii

A home that has

little hands playing with lego

while big hands put things away.

And where the fires burn warm and hot

well hotter than warmer...

actually very hot

fire hot

as indeed 

it is a fire.

Yes my lovelies

sometimes you just need a day like today

when you can walk and talk with someone who knows you 

who sees you

who gets you 

and you her.

When you are reminded that we are all going through things

learning the lessons of life and death

rejecting the status quo for something deeper

and more meaningful.

A day when you are reminded

that life is beautiful

and the earth is speaking

and God is watching

and Love is abundant.

A day where the goofy and the joyful

can dance in the face of adversity and uncertainty

Where money is rocks

and food is sticks

Where peeing and having your aunty take a picture

of you doing so 

is the most wonderful thing in the world

so much so you want to do it again on your door step but this does not go over too well with mommy and aunty.

A day where dogs do weird things

and people do even weirder things.

Where truck trailers have powers

and cookie crumbs get into belly buttons.

Yes my lovelies

today

is a day

we all should have...

everyday.

What are you doing today?

Love and Light