The Truth about Re-Entry and Hero's....

I have been home now for 5 days...

(flowers waiting for me on the kitchen table...I have a good husband)

I arrived early Sunday morning

and crawled into my own bed, in an empty house

at 4:30am

completely spent after over 24 hours of travel

three planes

security checks

expensive airport food

and the return to the land of plenty.

I slept for a few hours...waking to my husbands text

"are you awake?"

lol

I did not mind

I was happy to hear from him

and even happier hear that he and our youngest

were on their way home 

from Vancouver Island.

This gave me a morning to myself,

time to shower

unpack

listen to music

and attempt to get my footing

in solitude.

A good thing after 10 days of never being alone.

A good thing after 10 days of constant

movement

noise

and

chaos.

A good thing after 5 days of deep stories, painful realities and childhoods lost.

I then drove out to meet my best friend for lunch...

I had to get out

the sun was shining

and the cool air felt good against my skin

The skin that was burning with emotions

struggling with elation and grief

feeling unsettled

I drove with the sunroof open

letting the cool spring air whip my hair around.

Hawk flew over me

welcoming me home

then another

then another

then another.

I felt seen and heard as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

"I can't escape this now, unless you show me how"

Re-entry for me

has always been a process

my heart is open and feels all things

and as deep as I go with those in Colombia

so is the distance I must find my way back

This goes back to childhood.

I was always the one crying when we left someones homes

at which we spent some substantial time at... 

After being prompted by my sister Rain
with the question
"Hows your heart?" 
I wrote this to her:

"My heart is tender
torn in two...residing in two earthly worlds
and trying to find it's way back
to each other
stitching itself whole in yet another new way
moment of complete contentment
and gratitude
only to be jarred into the deepest of pain...
pain enough to stop my breath
with each day it feels stronger
more whole
and yet
it will never be the same 
as it always is
when I return from Pilgrimage
Painfully Beautiful
it is all
Painfully Beautiful"

This is where I am
Edging out of the stillness
and solitude of my thoughts
and experience
Slowly stepping back into
a life of movement
and a different kind of noise.

At yoga yesterday I felt the grief
that was contained in my lower organs
and as I did my twists
I could feel that grief being wrung out...
the grief of leaving
the grief of the stories
the grief of the loss that poverty holds
and the tears rolled down my face
After class a beautiful angel came over to me
and place her small hands on my face
and said
with tears in her eyes
"Thank you for the work you do 
for the children of my country." 
We both came undone
and silently wept in each others arms.
It was good to know someone understood...
that someone knew what I had seen
knew what I had heard
knew where I had been
and understood
without me saying a word. 

Today I read this
to which I responded with this:

 feeling your words deeply today Robin....it is a season of re-birth and yet I feel I am trudging up through the mud instead of bursting forth through the soil...it is the re-entry of one world to another that has me feeling so...the gratitude of the life I returned to and the grief of leaving the lives I am bound to...
torn
grieving
loving
dancing
feeling
wanting someone to reach out to me and yet wanting to be left alone...because it can't just be anyone, it has to be someone who knows, who knows deep...
these are not the surface wounds, are they sister
they are the wounds of life, death and divinity
these are the wounds that need medicine of the ancients....medicine from the great magic....
mmmmm
I feel a stirring and must write these words down....
how ever you came to this place
I know it too
so I will grieve with you 
as my lantern burns
and the earth will receive our tears and she will grow something beautiful with them....
this I know

After reading this
 I felt inspired
inspired to be exactly where I am
without apology
without explanation

Today I am trudging through the mud
I know that I will be exfoliatedand renewed 
when I am done
but I do not know how long it will take
So till then
I marinate
I marinate in the mud and grime
of all I have seen...
I let the tear come when they need to
Through some tears I will grieve
 and through others I will laugh
But I will make no apology
instead 
I will share with you
a few of my Hero's.....

Love and Light my Hero's
oh how my heart misses you...