The Cycles of The Moon...

She gutted me
like a huntress guts her hunted
She gutted me...
Opening me up and pulling out my insides
exposing all the insecurities
the uncertainties
the challenges
the struggles
She exposed them all
So there was nothing left but to feel each one...
to experience the tenderness that lies within...
to allow the grief to wave over me
again and again
The grief of desire
The grief of longing
The grief of hope
and
The grief of Love
Exposed under Her luminous light
prayers poured from my Being
as I laid it all out like never before
I let go like never before
I revealed what lay deep within my heart
in a way I had never done before
With tear, dirt and sacred gift
I lay down the prayers of my desire
I placed the longing of my blood
I exposed the hope within my bones
and I trusted, once again
in the Love of my soul
and the Love of The Creator
and the Love of The Moon
and the Love of The Earth
the Divine Love
that
is
was
and
ever shall be
I trusted
and I allowed the moon to illuminate
all that was exposed
the beautiful and the ugly
and I saw that it was good...
all of it
was good.
*
I desire healthy community
for myself and my family
I long for sisterhood
deep, rich and true
and am gratefulfor the sisterhood 
I am already a part of.
I hope for honouring
between all the human race
and I Love Life
I Love a life that is battered and worn
that is beautiful and broken
one that has fallen apart and been put back together
too many times to count;
One that is whole and complete
and fully thrives every day.
And I trust in The Great Mystery
that through it all
I am being held, loved, led and heard
I trust that my prayers of gratitude
and my prayers of grief
are heard
are considered
are important
I trust that all is as it is meant to be
and that there are something I can not
and will not see, nor will I understand
in my flesh bound ways
and that is ok
I trust that I do not need to understand all things
to believe they are real
I trust in the cycle of the Moon
and the season of the Earth
and in them I take comfort
that nothing remains the same
and there is a season for all things.

I trust what I am guided to do...
that I do not need to make things happen
instead I am meant to try less, trust more
to go beyond the normal
and to embrace the mystery.

and so...once again
I lay my Self and my Life down
to be a vessel for Love and Light...

...what is your prayer today lovely?

love and light

I Love the way You Lie....

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then these things turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised

Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now there's gravel in our voices
Glasses shattered from the fight
In this tug of war you always win
Even when I'm right

Cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
Till the walls are going up
In smoke with all our memories

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

~Skylar Grey 

This song has been my anthem for the last few days...

Skylar's words reflect the amazing and often painful transformations that have been happening within my being these last 6 months. 

The gravely voices are the old stories, 
the ones that are dying and trying to hold on for dear life...

 Many have already died and been laid to rest in peace.
At our last ReWilding Retreat
I let die two aspects of myself...
the part of myself that felt UnValued
and the words "I am alone".

Each of these held different aspects of myself...
Feeling alone has been a thread
that has woven in and out through my life;
and as I saw myself laying on the earth
I was shown many different versions of myself
at different stages of my life.
 I laid babies-breath around the entirety of my body
I knelt beside her, and whispered in her ear 
"It is time for the part of my self,
 that believes she is alone, 
to die.
I love you."

I watched as my lifeless body slowly sank into the earth
as I sat beside her grieving....
on her tomb stone I wrote
"Here rests the part of me
that believed she was alone." 

Then came the time to bury the aspect of myself

that felt UnValued

I see myself at 15

it is the age I gave up

when I stopped trying and shoved down my caring

when drugs and alcohol began to ease the pain.

I knelt down and lay red roses around her...

my tears covering her face.

I told her the suffering was done...

I told her that she made it to the other side

that she was just fine as her self

with nothing to prove to anyone...

Soon she sunk too into the earth 
to turn into decay and nourishment for the earth.

On her tomb stone I wrote

 "Here lies the part of me that felt un-valued...

may she rest in peace."

 When I looked up I saw Raven sitting upon the tombstone

I was surprised to see him there...

and I asked him what he was doing there...

for here where we were, 
there were no shiny objects of value for him to gather...

He said to me,

"You are the shiny thing of value that I seek."

I also wanted my Self Doubt to die...
it was not quite ready to go.
I even pulled the plug on the life support machine
it was hanging on...an old man
old and decrepit.
He did not die.
So instead I wrapped him up in a blanket
and carried him to to ocean
a special place in which one day I hope to take my last breath
Sitting on the sandy beach
overlooking the ocean I cradled him close
Holding and loving him until we became ready to 
let go
and
die.

Here 
in this place
Bear came to sit and wait along side me...

It happened during the Soul Quest workshop.
White Buffalo came to me and said it was time...
Self Doubt took it's last breath in my arms
my tears streaming down my face...
A dolphin came to the oceans edge
to carry the dying aspect of me out to sea
to his final resting place...
 and all the while 
these deaths burn me from the inside out...
for they are only the beginning of the transformation.

 Since coming home from our big family trip
I have been called to sit in the fire...
huge transformations with in
so deep my cellular structure has been changed...

We all have choices in these situations, 
we can follow the call, we can cut and run
or simply 
walk away

It has been my choice to sit within this fire
 and allow its hot flame to refine me, 
burning away all that is no longer serves me
even those things that once served, need to go
And those damn voices are actually keeping me there, 
I really do love the way they lie 
because it is with in their lies I find the courage to stay, 
knowing that within the discomfort of my choice 
I am transforming into my own freedom...
I used to loose the tug-o-war with these voices...
that was a long time ago...
I'd rather burn, because I do like the way it hurts...

I am thinking
it is time to release the story of those 3 weeks away
with my family on the other side of the world.
Time to tell the story of me
not going into that adventure
with the view of it being a spiritual quest
and yet having every moment be just that...

yes
it is time...
*
and yes
it begins with death

Love and Light 

The Other Night....

The other night The Deer came to see me

The Deer and The Elk

soft and gentle were their words

as they called me into the sweet smelling forest
where The Suns rays streamed in between the top canopy

of the towering cedars

I felt the longing to be in their presence

and so I followed them

listening to their whispers of gentleness and love

feeling the sacred feminine as it enveloped my heart, 
mind and soul

I had stepped a little off track

and they were calling me back...

gently steering me in the direction I needed to go.

I saw a beautiful Tree Goddess before me

I walked towards her

She towered above me, branches reaching high to the sky

trunk sturdy and old with wisdom

roots thick and full of knowing

sinking deep into Mother Earth and all she has to give

I touched the rough bark

and as I did

my whole body melded into the tree and she and I became one

I reached me branches high

and I grew as I reached

high enough to enter the upper world of Divinity

were all things lie in pure balance and purity

the place...

where They, 
were waiting

He was pacing back and forth

and She was standing still with her lantern raised high

With my human heart I felt what I thought

was his disappointment

and I felt small and unworthy

“I am not sure you are ready.” He said
concern in his eyes
 looking into my core.

“She is ready.”She gently says.

“I am ready, I can do this,” I cried as I fell to my knees

I bowed my head and asked for forgiveness

I thought I had failed them

for I had yet to complete the task

a task I had asked for and wanted

This was when he stopped

he slowed down

and came to the place where I was

and looked into my eyes in a way that opened my soul

and spoke with a voice that turned my heart inside out

and stood with a calm that stilled my mind and shattered all human thought.

“It is not about the task...or about getting the task done

It is about trusting how we guide you through this task.

You do not yet fully trust the process and then I wonder

'Are you ready?' But She assures me that you are...
She sees things in you that I can't see

and knows what you are capable of.
She knows the way of the Feminine Divine 
and in that I trust.

Do not get stuck on what you think 'should be'. It is with human eyes that you do this, human thought. You must look beyond the human, and sink into the unknown of the Spiritual, there you will find your truth.

There is joy here, there is laughter...it is not all seriousness and reservation....we dance, we sing, we celebrate. Celebrate with us and loosen you human heart. Dance amongst the stars and sing with the moon.

Do not misjudge my way to be that I am disappointed in you my daughter. For that could not be further from the truth. My way comes from a place of seeing another piece of you...the you I created...and you are so big, 
so huge, so larger than life....
and yet, 
so often I see you live so small, so timid, so reserved. 
That is not what I want for you...
to see you live small is not what makes my heart sore. 
I am not disappointed with you, nor am I upset...
I love you, 
you are everything to me and 
I want All Things for you...
I see All Things for you.

So live big, live huge, live in the trust that we are guiding you and overseeing your journey. 
Trust my daughter and live Big. 
Remember there is a piece of me, inside of you...
a big, huge, powerful piece. 
You were there when I placed in with in you, 
remember that when you feel small, hold on to that, when you feel weak. You are much more than you realize...so much more.”

These sacred words 
that I write here
 are the best translation I can put

to what was said to me....

And She stood by, 
in the powerful silence of sisterhood and ancient knowing

lantern raised
seeing me clearly...

through my human eyes.

Love and Light my lovelies
thank you for bearing witness 
to this
my sacred journey.
*

June

Summer crept in with you

slowly

not willing to rush in

taking her time

Stepping in

Stepping out

Waiting...

for that right moment

to reveal herself

 and the life she held.

So it was with you

a dance of 

in and out

a dance of waiting

a dance of patience

a dance of looking deep

and then

when the time was right

you pulled me deep inside

to new places 

with old faces

and old stories

that lay within my skin.

You brought me through 

old thoughts

old patterns 

and took me to the other side.

You showed me how to Allow

To Allow 

my Knowing

my  Courage

my Love

my Freedom

my Forgiveness

and celebrations rang out

within my soul

for such Sacred Allowing

for such Beautiful Unfolding

And you Allowed me to bear witness

to beautiful Souls

and their own unfolding

To hold space

and bring sacred ritual and affirmation

to them

as they stripped down

to their core...

and I felt Blessed

June

you blessed me

thank you

How was June for you

my lovelies?