I Love the way You Lie....

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then these things turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised

Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now there's gravel in our voices
Glasses shattered from the fight
In this tug of war you always win
Even when I'm right

Cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
Till the walls are going up
In smoke with all our memories

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

~Skylar Grey 

This song has been my anthem for the last few days...

Skylar's words reflect the amazing and often painful transformations that have been happening within my being these last 6 months. 

The gravely voices are the old stories, 
the ones that are dying and trying to hold on for dear life...

 Many have already died and been laid to rest in peace.
At our last ReWilding Retreat
I let die two aspects of myself...
the part of myself that felt UnValued
and the words "I am alone".

Each of these held different aspects of myself...
Feeling alone has been a thread
that has woven in and out through my life;
and as I saw myself laying on the earth
I was shown many different versions of myself
at different stages of my life.
 I laid babies-breath around the entirety of my body
I knelt beside her, and whispered in her ear 
"It is time for the part of my self,
 that believes she is alone, 
to die.
I love you."

I watched as my lifeless body slowly sank into the earth
as I sat beside her grieving....
on her tomb stone I wrote
"Here rests the part of me
that believed she was alone." 

Then came the time to bury the aspect of myself

that felt UnValued

I see myself at 15

it is the age I gave up

when I stopped trying and shoved down my caring

when drugs and alcohol began to ease the pain.

I knelt down and lay red roses around her...

my tears covering her face.

I told her the suffering was done...

I told her that she made it to the other side

that she was just fine as her self

with nothing to prove to anyone...

Soon she sunk too into the earth 
to turn into decay and nourishment for the earth.

On her tomb stone I wrote

 "Here lies the part of me that felt un-valued...

may she rest in peace."

 When I looked up I saw Raven sitting upon the tombstone

I was surprised to see him there...

and I asked him what he was doing there...

for here where we were, 
there were no shiny objects of value for him to gather...

He said to me,

"You are the shiny thing of value that I seek."

I also wanted my Self Doubt to die...
it was not quite ready to go.
I even pulled the plug on the life support machine
it was hanging on...an old man
old and decrepit.
He did not die.
So instead I wrapped him up in a blanket
and carried him to to ocean
a special place in which one day I hope to take my last breath
Sitting on the sandy beach
overlooking the ocean I cradled him close
Holding and loving him until we became ready to 
let go
and
die.

Here 
in this place
Bear came to sit and wait along side me...

It happened during the Soul Quest workshop.
White Buffalo came to me and said it was time...
Self Doubt took it's last breath in my arms
my tears streaming down my face...
A dolphin came to the oceans edge
to carry the dying aspect of me out to sea
to his final resting place...
 and all the while 
these deaths burn me from the inside out...
for they are only the beginning of the transformation.

 Since coming home from our big family trip
I have been called to sit in the fire...
huge transformations with in
so deep my cellular structure has been changed...

We all have choices in these situations, 
we can follow the call, we can cut and run
or simply 
walk away

It has been my choice to sit within this fire
 and allow its hot flame to refine me, 
burning away all that is no longer serves me
even those things that once served, need to go
And those damn voices are actually keeping me there, 
I really do love the way they lie 
because it is with in their lies I find the courage to stay, 
knowing that within the discomfort of my choice 
I am transforming into my own freedom...
I used to loose the tug-o-war with these voices...
that was a long time ago...
I'd rather burn, because I do like the way it hurts...

I am thinking
it is time to release the story of those 3 weeks away
with my family on the other side of the world.
Time to tell the story of me
not going into that adventure
with the view of it being a spiritual quest
and yet having every moment be just that...

yes
it is time...
*
and yes
it begins with death

Love and Light