Re-Birth

I have been re-born....again. 
This has happened before.... 
and I know it will happen again....but, I have to say, this time, was like no other.

When I look back at the past few months.....the year....I can see the pattern emerging.
9 months
9 months to get to this place of rebirth.
Not an awakening.
Not an a-ha moment.
Not a shift.
A full pushing my way through the canal of life and being re born.
Envision a grown woman being reborn...it's a little uncomfortable. *smile*

I will bring you back to the beginning of this 9 month gestation.
With out even realizing It I had set the tone for the year here.
I decided, after many promptings from my Spirit, to start to live in courage of who I really was. Owl had come to reveal herself to me as an important part of who I was in the spiritual realm and the time seemed right to answer the invitation with a "yes, I am ready."
Of course we are never truly prepared for what is given when we ask for it are we?
But I asked, and it was given....thus the story begins.

It started with the seed of realization.
The realization that I could live in True Joy and Peace that passed all understand, even whilst standing in the storm.
We talk about living in the Joy and Peace.
We are told it can happen.
We desire to attain it.
But true surrender to this Truth is different.
Bringing it from head to heart takes work....
Things begin to change and a seed is planted...one that is eager to grow.

Then  I re-connected with my Power...Power I had put upon a shelf.
So many reasons why, but now, they no longer matter.
The Truth was I put it on a shelf,  forgotten and left alone. An intricate part of myself....things started to become clear as to why I felt a longing, a restlessness inside.
And with Power being poured into that seed so quickly the foundation was laid for this new life with in me. That seed that was planted had a chance, a real chance to grow into what it was meant to be.

After these awakenings Truth began to unravel...quickly. Like fishing line being taken deep into the lake by it's prey, the Truth unraveled and I have never looked back.
It was the Truth about what I feared. That in fact that which I feared did not even exist, unless I let it. That truly Fear itself has no hold on me, unless I allow it. 
When I ask Fear to come along side of me, to walk with me instead of me running from it...everything changed. And the seed inside continued to grow at a rapid speed with great strength and assurance.

Then a near tragedy happened just before the seasons changed into summer. A family crisis deep within.
I could have easily lost that life inside of me. As something had exploded into my chest and tried to rip out my  heart. 
But it was not meant to be.
And I would not let my heart be taken.
Broken it was, but not taken.
It was during this time I wrote the following poem....




How Many Times

How many times can a clay pot be broken?

How many times can you glue it back together, 
with hopes of it functioning the same?
Can you fill it as full?
Will what it contains seep out?
Does it not loose it's value?
Does it not loose it's beauty?
Really....
How many times can a clay pot be broken and put back together,
before it is time to just throw it away?

Coming out of a very difficult month,
these are the things I ponder.
Dark days took me and I wondered just how much I could take.
Words whispered,
"You're alone"
"This is hopeless"
"You can't do this"

They were only lies.

Exhausted, I lay my broken self out
piece by piece
They are all there
each piece.
I am broken...yes
but each part of me remains...
in tact
Contrary to what the whispering voices
would have me believe
They would have me convinced that I am lost,
that I am not whole
But clearly,
Through tear filled eyes
I can see all of me
every piece
I let the emotions wave over me
again
and again
and again
I will not run from them
I will not hide
The worst has already happened
I am already lying in pieces
There is nothing more to fear

What would light be if there was not darkness?
What is it that it should bring such fear?
For is there not beauty found in the night?

The comfort found in a lovers touch
The quiet snores of children sleeping
The stillness of a summers night
The showcase of the starry sky
The brilliance of the waning moon
The songs of the night creatures
The joy of being awake while the rest of the world sleeps

After a hard day, the darkness can actually bring relief
The relief of knowing tomorrow is a new day
and this one is done
And for now in the dim, we can
Rest
Reflect
Rejuvenate
Restore

Every piece is there
Each accounted for
And with the help of The Potter
I place each piece back together...
And they fit perfectly.

How many times can a clay pot be broken and put back together?
As many times as is needed.



(reflections of me, and my life as a mother to a beautiful boy whose wiring leaves him wondering if life is worth living....
it is my son, it is...each piece is perfect....I love you)

I don't tell you this for you to feel sorry, for I have pondered whether to reveal this here or not.

No.

Instead I tell you this because of all the beauty that comes from such tragedies...tragedies we all come to face during our lifetime here on earth.

We walked through this time as a family.

We did not run or hide, deny or blame.

This was our Truth and we were in it together.

With the life that was growing inside of me, and the Truth of a Love that was beyond all loves I allowed every emotion to pour over me...I marinted in the pain of what could have been, cried for joy and relief of what was, and treasured, treasured every scrap and  bruise this season had given me...for I was living a real life...I AM living a real life.

A Life where Challenges and Grace walk as good friends, hand in hand...

And the seed grew.

Now I could feel it.

I knew it was there...I knew it was real....and I surrendered to it.

The next season was like a sort of nesting season....but I saw it more as an exfoliation.

The following is a excerpt from "What's Eating the Cat" my former personal writing space:

All changes, even the most longed for, have their 
melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. -Anatole France, novelist, essayist, Nobel laureate (1844-1924) 

oh that one I am feeling....I am loosing old skin...exfoliating if you will
up...and then down 
emotions so strong my whole body hurts
while gently moving myself forward
gingerly
I have been slowed down
it takes time to shed skin...to peel back layers
but it's been a while
and it's so easy to forget
Patience is my Friend

I wrote this August 12th...I was beginning transition, getting ready to emerge as something new...a butterfly getting ready to break forth from her cocoon. Have you watched that?

It takes time and she can have no help...it is all part of her process to develop into all that she needs to be to live fully through her next stage of life.

The final stage (bless you if you are still with me)

A spiritually intentional weekend away with 5 woman.

A retreat with my book club, 6 out of the 12 came...and those 6 showed up, in a big way.

It was here I was able to give birth to myself.

It was safe.

God...well God was there in a way I never experienced before....in every fiber of our beings, in every molecule,cell, atom. In every vibration God/Love/The Source of all things danced, sang, breathed Life upon us as we journeyed into ourselves and back out again.

As we lay down our regrets and fear, and drew in our dreams and prayers.

And as we walked this journey together we became  intertwined with one another and the Love that manifested from us was insurmountable, unexplainable, bigger than we each imagined it could be...and it was good and all was well with our souls.

And with 5 amazing women around me, I birthed a new life for myself, 
the life I knew that had been waiting for me,
and this space will be a reflection of that life.
it is not just for me, because I did not get here on my own.
This space is for other travelers, like myself, seeking Truth and Grace, Love and Light.
I hope you will join me....as we are not meant to walk alone.

We are women
We are meant to gather
It is The Way.
So gather here with me
and let us become Traveling Sisters...discovering our Truth.


I am a Messenger, come to bring Good News, to plant seeds, to open doors to all those who seek it.


Love and Light


(all pictures taken during my wisdom Club Spiritual Retreat)