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"Learn to access your own Divine Wisdom so you can end emotional turmoil, have more connected relationships and feel radically alive." ~ Neale Donald Walsch - Conversations with God.




Love and Light

I hear the Drums...

Night has fallen as we walk down to the water side.
A fire is lit and obstacles burned as we prepare to be taken on a journey inside.
We sit in a semi circle with our journey-guide at the crest.
We breathe.
Slowly and Deeply.
We cover our eyes with scarves as to withdraw from the world around us....
The drumming begins, methodic and steady.

I follow the sound of the drum and listen to my journey-guides instruction.
I envision a place where I associate with calm and safety....


The drum is beating.


I start feeling anxious about what if I do not meet my Spiritual Guide???? What does that say about me if no one shows up???? ahhhhhh
These thoughts play with me as I find myself at Sombrio Beach.

I breathe
I settle in
I know this place and its magic envelops me.
I feel the ground beneath my feet
I look up to see a large bird of prey circling above.
I look down to see my bare feet in the tall seaside grass
I look around to find myself in the forest edge, the ocean and sandy beach to my left and lush forest and tall grass to my right.

I breathe in Ocean Mother and the strong damp of The Rainforest floor and I begin to walk....still anxious about whether or not I am worthy of meeting my Spiritual Guide.


I am walking in the tall grass, on a path.
I think I see an Owl, but I dismiss it...too obvious I think to myself in my uncertainty.

The drum is beating...


I keep my mind and spirit open, readying myself to meet my Spiritual Guide. A special being who understands me at a very deep level and who has something to impart to me.....
I am told someone will come...be patient and trust.


I think I see a wolf, but dismiss it. Then I think I see my boys but dismiss it.
I begin to feel frustrated and so unsure of myself.
So I do the one thing I know that will and always has brought me clarity...
I leave the grass path and I walk out of the forest to Ocean Mother.
Being beside her always gives me peace and assurance.
I want to shake this doubt from me.
I calm my thoughts and breathe in Her truths.

The drum is beating...


I look up the beach thinking I see a bear....actually I see my boys with the bear....could it be?
I struggle with the doubt that creeps around me.
I turn to Ocean Mother for peace of mind, again I breathe Her in deeply and Trust wraps herself around me, and She helps me silence the doubts, clearing the muddied waters.

The drum beats louder...


I look up to see the Eagle still circling above.....finally it comes down to see me.
Standing in front of me he allows me to hold him close and pet him.
I can feel his feathers, each one individually, as a stroke his magnificent head.
I know this is not natural for him.
He is doing this for me.

He is regal and so assured.
His rightful place is in the heavens, but he has come down because he knows it is what I needed.
He has come to let me know that I am right where I need to be.
Ocean Mother whispers "Trust" as she caresses the sandy shore line.


I want to stay here forever with him...with her.
This is when the Eagle says to me, " I am always with you Catherine."


I get up to go....but before I do that I thank the Eagle...I thank the Ocean....I thank God
And as I walk back to the fire, I am filled with blessing and gratitude.


The drum is no more.


Doubt
Self Doubt
How it holds us back.
And yet all we need is placed inside of us, the moment our lives began.
And even in my self doubt, I am given sign after sign after sign...what Patience, what Love.....what Grace.
Self Doubt is something that I face, sometimes on a daily basis.
But it does not get the best of me, as it once did.
I look at it
I say hi (my mom taught me to always be polite)
and then when the times is right, I say "till we meet again" , and I continue down the amazing path that has been laid our before me.

There are always chances given, always new opportunities arise, it is never to late, never to late to believe.
Stop
Breathe
Take a look around you
Where do you see Love?
Where do you see Truth?


Can you hear the drums?




Love and Light

Where do I go?

Every time I come here, I  re-read my header as a reminder of what I am doing here, and why I am doing this. Sometimes when life gets busy it can be easy to forget...
and I don't want to forget.

Yesterday I read a post by a lovely bloggy friend Rain...a post called "back to your heart". In it Rain posed the question,
" When life gets in the way,how do you get back to your heart?"
The timing of the question was perfect for me.
After an emotionally challenging week I felt depleted by the end. 
Thus everything kicked into a slower gear.
I found it difficult to focus, stay on track, energy was lacking.
Fortunately and unfortunately we had made plans to make our way our into the forest for a couple nights of camping.
But packing up takes time and energy, so again I felt there was not enough time to do those things that I need to center myself and come back into me.
The more I thought about what I needed and wanted to do, the more I felt the separation.
But upon coming home a realization of the reality of ebb and flow came back to me. Rain's question prompted this clarity.
The reality of seasons within seasons.
The reality of mother and wife.
The reality of duty and service.
The reality of living a real life in real time.

We all do our best.
Simple.
I do my best...and that is a wonderful thing...NOT something that needs to be looked at again and again and again.
Something that just is.
It is me that holds me prisoner.... 
Thinking I need to be more.
Thinking I need to push harder.
Thinking I need to be all.
It is me who puts those expectations on myself...no one else.

So yesterday, upon returning home, I released myself of those things and gave myself a day of rest. Occasionally a pang of guilt would cross over my heart, but I did not reach out and grab hold of it, I  let it keep walking.
I came back to myself...
it really wasn't that hard
I was standing here the whole time.




Be kind to you
Love and Light




(the teenager showed me this video, last night, from  one of our local bands...appropriate)

Seeking.....Self Love

"Seeking approval of others hinders my JOYOUSNESS.
~if the way you feel depends on anything outside of you, you're in trouble--but if you can depend only upon your connection with your Own Inner Being, then everything in your experience falls into alignment."


....it makes sense doesn't it?
Connecting with Self
Depending on Self
Loving Self

Self Love
The Key to Peace the passes all understanding.

I have heard it said in some circles that self denial is best.
Loving Self is a sign of conceit.
Tell me....
how is it conceit if your love for Self is a reflection of the  Love that made you, that formed you, that poured pureness into you.
Is it not whole, to love Love and to love that which Love creates?

The road to self Love can be a tough one.
Pains and lys of the past can cloud our way.
But a few simple words, said to ourselves, everyday can make the hugest of shifts in this journey.


~I love myself unconditionally because I am a child of Love and Love is mine unconditionally...I enjoy the special and unique person that I am.

~I freely acknowledge my failures and depend on Love when change is needed. I never devalue myself with destructive self-criticism.

~I allow Love to penetrate into the very depth of my being and set myself fee from the fear of the past and mistakes of the past.

~I have unconditional Love that flows through me and I give Love and Acceptance to all persons at all times.

~I can do all things that are required of me today because through Love I am strengthened, empowered and inspired to succeed.


5 simple sentences to say to your Self everyday.
5 simple sentences to let Love come down.
5 simple sentences to allow you to *journey through pain, * pour Love  out, *show your true colours, *bring forth fruit in your life, *and plant more seeds of Love.


All this just by Loving yourself.

Believe in the Love that has been stitched inside your being, from the beginning of time.
Live in the Truth that, that Love continues to be poured onto you by The One from which you came....
And you will see your garden grow.
A garden that is not only enjoyed by you, but also enjoyed by those around you.


Live like you are Loved....


Love and Light

The Fear of The Messenger

It shouldn't be that hard should it?
Just give what you are given....right?


If only it was that easy...

Do you want to know what my lifes greatest fear has been?
It's not some sort of creepy crawly critter.
It's not my husband leaving me for another woman.
It's not even death.
No my biggest fear is not being heard.


You see the irony in that.
A Messenger afraid of not being heard.
The Divine has a sense of humor....

I still feel the fear....it comes in many different forms,
and if I linger too much on it, it can seem really really big.
But it only seems so...
I was sharing this feeling of being scared shitless silly with a dear friend yesterday.
The thing about it is yes I am scared, but the desire to live fully far out weighs the fear.

I felt the abundant Love of The Spirit
I felt the Blessings pour down
I saw that it was all there for the taking
That Love is always there.
It does not wait for you to do something "good"
It does not wait until you have done "the right thing"
It does not wait for the perfect time to spring it on you.
No.
What was affirmed to me, during my weekend away is that....
Love is always there...always
It is up to us to access it
To draw from it
To trust it

And let me tell you
When 6 women come together and draw for that Source...miracles happen.
Like "shut-the-front-door" kind of miracles.


So given all that was revealed to me, the fear is what it is...fear....that's all, just fear
Truth be told, I am so full.
Those are the best words I can use.
I feel like someone has blown fairy dust into my world and everything sparkles. Even when things like frustration, annoyance, anxiousness, anger all brought on by fear....when they come to take residence in my belly, I am not so shaken or over taken. They are neither bad nor good, they just are. How I respond to them determines the outcome of affect.

The following is taken from "The Wishing Year" by Noelle Oxenhandler (the book that my Wisdom Club Retreat was built around)
"If I were a beggar and wished for a horse--a horse might be much more likely to appear than if I'd never made that clearing" 
Translation:
I am responsible for my own fears.

The following are two acronyms for FEAR:
False 
Evidence
Appearing
Real
and my favorite...you may need to be sitting down for this...
Frantic
Effort
Avoiding
Responsibility


We are all responsible for our own fear.

So... 
my response to fear....welcome!
And hang on because it is going to be one hell of a ride!!!!
Love and Light


(the pictures of me were taken on my weekend away...here I was throwing away my stone of suffering...suffering brought on by fear....you can't see it but there are tears, tears of great Love)

Re-Birth

I have been re-born....again. 
This has happened before.... 
and I know it will happen again....but, I have to say, this time, was like no other.

When I look back at the past few months.....the year....I can see the pattern emerging.
9 months
9 months to get to this place of rebirth.
Not an awakening.
Not an a-ha moment.
Not a shift.
A full pushing my way through the canal of life and being re born.
Envision a grown woman being reborn...it's a little uncomfortable. *smile*

I will bring you back to the beginning of this 9 month gestation.
With out even realizing It I had set the tone for the year here.
I decided, after many promptings from my Spirit, to start to live in courage of who I really was. Owl had come to reveal herself to me as an important part of who I was in the spiritual realm and the time seemed right to answer the invitation with a "yes, I am ready."
Of course we are never truly prepared for what is given when we ask for it are we?
But I asked, and it was given....thus the story begins.

It started with the seed of realization.
The realization that I could live in True Joy and Peace that passed all understand, even whilst standing in the storm.
We talk about living in the Joy and Peace.
We are told it can happen.
We desire to attain it.
But true surrender to this Truth is different.
Bringing it from head to heart takes work....
Things begin to change and a seed is planted...one that is eager to grow.

Then  I re-connected with my Power...Power I had put upon a shelf.
So many reasons why, but now, they no longer matter.
The Truth was I put it on a shelf,  forgotten and left alone. An intricate part of myself....things started to become clear as to why I felt a longing, a restlessness inside.
And with Power being poured into that seed so quickly the foundation was laid for this new life with in me. That seed that was planted had a chance, a real chance to grow into what it was meant to be.

After these awakenings Truth began to unravel...quickly. Like fishing line being taken deep into the lake by it's prey, the Truth unraveled and I have never looked back.
It was the Truth about what I feared. That in fact that which I feared did not even exist, unless I let it. That truly Fear itself has no hold on me, unless I allow it. 
When I ask Fear to come along side of me, to walk with me instead of me running from it...everything changed. And the seed inside continued to grow at a rapid speed with great strength and assurance.

Then a near tragedy happened just before the seasons changed into summer. A family crisis deep within.
I could have easily lost that life inside of me. As something had exploded into my chest and tried to rip out my  heart. 
But it was not meant to be.
And I would not let my heart be taken.
Broken it was, but not taken.
It was during this time I wrote the following poem....




How Many Times

How many times can a clay pot be broken?

How many times can you glue it back together, 
with hopes of it functioning the same?
Can you fill it as full?
Will what it contains seep out?
Does it not loose it's value?
Does it not loose it's beauty?
Really....
How many times can a clay pot be broken and put back together,
before it is time to just throw it away?

Coming out of a very difficult month,
these are the things I ponder.
Dark days took me and I wondered just how much I could take.
Words whispered,
"You're alone"
"This is hopeless"
"You can't do this"

They were only lies.

Exhausted, I lay my broken self out
piece by piece
They are all there
each piece.
I am broken...yes
but each part of me remains...
in tact
Contrary to what the whispering voices
would have me believe
They would have me convinced that I am lost,
that I am not whole
But clearly,
Through tear filled eyes
I can see all of me
every piece
I let the emotions wave over me
again
and again
and again
I will not run from them
I will not hide
The worst has already happened
I am already lying in pieces
There is nothing more to fear

What would light be if there was not darkness?
What is it that it should bring such fear?
For is there not beauty found in the night?

The comfort found in a lovers touch
The quiet snores of children sleeping
The stillness of a summers night
The showcase of the starry sky
The brilliance of the waning moon
The songs of the night creatures
The joy of being awake while the rest of the world sleeps

After a hard day, the darkness can actually bring relief
The relief of knowing tomorrow is a new day
and this one is done
And for now in the dim, we can
Rest
Reflect
Rejuvenate
Restore

Every piece is there
Each accounted for
And with the help of The Potter
I place each piece back together...
And they fit perfectly.

How many times can a clay pot be broken and put back together?
As many times as is needed.



(reflections of me, and my life as a mother to a beautiful boy whose wiring leaves him wondering if life is worth living....
it is my son, it is...each piece is perfect....I love you)

I don't tell you this for you to feel sorry, for I have pondered whether to reveal this here or not.

No.

Instead I tell you this because of all the beauty that comes from such tragedies...tragedies we all come to face during our lifetime here on earth.

We walked through this time as a family.

We did not run or hide, deny or blame.

This was our Truth and we were in it together.

With the life that was growing inside of me, and the Truth of a Love that was beyond all loves I allowed every emotion to pour over me...I marinted in the pain of what could have been, cried for joy and relief of what was, and treasured, treasured every scrap and  bruise this season had given me...for I was living a real life...I AM living a real life.

A Life where Challenges and Grace walk as good friends, hand in hand...

And the seed grew.

Now I could feel it.

I knew it was there...I knew it was real....and I surrendered to it.

The next season was like a sort of nesting season....but I saw it more as an exfoliation.

The following is a excerpt from "What's Eating the Cat" my former personal writing space:

All changes, even the most longed for, have their 
melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. -Anatole France, novelist, essayist, Nobel laureate (1844-1924) 

oh that one I am feeling....I am loosing old skin...exfoliating if you will
up...and then down 
emotions so strong my whole body hurts
while gently moving myself forward
gingerly
I have been slowed down
it takes time to shed skin...to peel back layers
but it's been a while
and it's so easy to forget
Patience is my Friend

I wrote this August 12th...I was beginning transition, getting ready to emerge as something new...a butterfly getting ready to break forth from her cocoon. Have you watched that?

It takes time and she can have no help...it is all part of her process to develop into all that she needs to be to live fully through her next stage of life.

The final stage (bless you if you are still with me)

A spiritually intentional weekend away with 5 woman.

A retreat with my book club, 6 out of the 12 came...and those 6 showed up, in a big way.

It was here I was able to give birth to myself.

It was safe.

God...well God was there in a way I never experienced before....in every fiber of our beings, in every molecule,cell, atom. In every vibration God/Love/The Source of all things danced, sang, breathed Life upon us as we journeyed into ourselves and back out again.

As we lay down our regrets and fear, and drew in our dreams and prayers.

And as we walked this journey together we became  intertwined with one another and the Love that manifested from us was insurmountable, unexplainable, bigger than we each imagined it could be...and it was good and all was well with our souls.

And with 5 amazing women around me, I birthed a new life for myself, 
the life I knew that had been waiting for me,
and this space will be a reflection of that life.
it is not just for me, because I did not get here on my own.
This space is for other travelers, like myself, seeking Truth and Grace, Love and Light.
I hope you will join me....as we are not meant to walk alone.

We are women
We are meant to gather
It is The Way.
So gather here with me
and let us become Traveling Sisters...discovering our Truth.


I am a Messenger, come to bring Good News, to plant seeds, to open doors to all those who seek it.


Love and Light


(all pictures taken during my wisdom Club Spiritual Retreat)