She
was standing at the sink and mirror. I did not pay much attention to her as I
walked into the bathroom. I was pre occupied with my own needs to release the
pressure of my bladder. Even as I walked up to the sink, I did not pay much
attention…then I saw the small pile of clothing tucked between the wall and the
sink she was at…my eyes then saw the larger travel bag that sat at her feet. It
was slouched open and held more clothing along with some personal items.
That’s
when I knew.
I
knew what she was doing there.
As
I grabbed inconspicuous glances the story began to unfold and all the while she
kept her gaze down and movements slight. She was making herself invisible, not
wanting to be seen, not wanting to be heard, not wanting to be noticed in this
moment.
“Are
you alright?”
She
nodded yes.
She
barely raised her head to meet my gaze. Her eyes remained pinned to the
bathroom counter.
Was
she high, or coming down? I could not be sure.
One
thing was sure the substance abuse was noticeable, hanging over her like
chains…like a cross, heavy on her young shoulders…shoulders that were aged far
beyond her years.
I
felt my heart being tugged.
I
was unable to move away….unable to leave without saying more…without reaching
out…one sister to another.
“Would
you mind if I gave you a hug?”
She
shrugged…neither inviting me in nor turning away…she was tired, oh so tired.
I
gently and slowly moved towards her, lifting my arms…
“Is
this okay?”
She,
still looking down, slightly turned her body to face mine, nodded yes.
I
took her in.
I
pressed my heart against hers.
I
drew in all my energy and the energy of Divine Love into me and then I gently
poured it into her …white light…the warmth of Love...like warm honey
Love
that asks for nothing and gives everything
Love
that has no face, and yet holds many
Love
that sees through grace and compassion
Love
that does not need to know the story
Love
that does not need to be earned
Love
that is because we are
Love
that is so much bigger than those 4 meager letters
Love
never ending
Consciously
and with deep intention I released into her
She
was rigid in my arms so I pulled her closer, held her more securely and whispered
in her ear.
“I
know you feel alone….I know you feel like nothing…but that is not true. You are
a sister among many. I have sisters who stand with me and they are here with us
now. You are not alone…please believe me, you are not alone. You are loved…so
so loved….”
She
holds on to me, her face buried in my hair, in my neck.
“You
are not alone sister, what happens to you happens to me…you are not alone. You
are held by a loving Creator…please believe me…you are not alone….even though
you may feel that way, it is not the truth.”
I
want to take her into me.
I
want to take away the years of abuse that has brought her to this place….I want
it all to dissolve and give her another life…but I cannot…so I hold her until I
can not hold her any longer.
I
say in my heart “Spirit guide me, give me the words to say…”
I
stoop down to catch her down cast eyes.
“I
meant those words…they come from my heart to yours.”
“I
know” she mumbles, head still down.
I
want to respect her space…I want to honour who she is in truth and not push too
hard…
I
gently lift her face and for the first time look into her eyes….I move quickly
past the haze of whatever substance lingers in her body, past the shame, past
the pain, past the bullshit and look at the pure essence that she is…a twinkle
of recognition…her face in my hands I smile and say “thank you…blessings to
you.”
I
turn to leave…my hand is on the door.
“Are
you a Christian?” she ask, putting force behind her voice.
I
pause, not turning around…
I
slowly turn, hand still on the door…
“I
wouldn’t say that exactly, but I believe in God, I believe in Love and I
believe that happens to one of us happens to us all in one way or another.”
She
nods and we smile at each other.
I
open the door and leave the quiet of the bathroom to enter the noise of the
live music playing at the bar.
I
watch the door now and again, keeping an eye out for her as she leaves.
I
pray she heard my words and took them in.
I
wish things were different.
Time
passes, and she does not come out…it is getting time for us to leave…the band
is done and it is late.
I
have to go back in…I know myself, if I do not go back in I will have regret.
She
is still in there, she is wearing different clothes.
I
apologize for taking up her time, but I had to come back to say goodbye, to let
her know I will not forget her.
I
also apologize because I have been drinking and want her know that me talking
to her has nothing to do with wine courage.
That
gets a chuckle out of her…she smiles and says she knows that.
I
ask her how old she is.
She
is 23….I cannot tell.
I
tell her she could me my daughter.
This
time she is looking me in the eye more…still very hesitant, very guarded, but
we have broken something down…she and I.
I
am holding her hands talking with her when I look down…
That’s
when I see…maybe more than I want to see, but I see it none the less
Her
lower arm exposed..along with the scars…deep scars of her pain, her own personal
hell
The
entire length of her forearm covered…not one millimeter to spare…
Covered
with the marks of her own affliction…
Self-Cutting
 | |
| this was the closest image I could find to depict what her arms looked like... |
My
breathe is knocked out of me for a moment…
I
have not seen anything to this extent…but I quickly recover as I feel her
pulling her arm away…I don’t want her to feel ashamed
I
gently place me other hand over the scars, I gently rub my hand up and down her
arm…feeling the ripples of scar tissue as I go.
“Oh
honey”
I
close my eyes and nod.
I
understand this language and it’s suffering
Mine
may have looked different, but the language…the story is the same
and
I don’t need to know why or how
I
exhale and pray silently
We
stand there together…in this sacred moment…
Her
scars exposed as I hold them and pray
I
wrap my shawl around her…it is time to go…
“Wrap
this around you when you need reminding that you are not alone sister.”
“No,
no I can’t take this.”
“yes
sister, you can, and you will” I say with a smile
“I
can only hope I made a difference for you tonight…know that within the shawl is
the energy of the sisters I have circled with…their love and light now goes
with you….”
She
struggles for words…trying to say something but unable.
I
have to go.
She
holds on to my hands and says quietly, “you have made a difference….today I
prayed that God would send me someone or something to let me know that I am not
alone…you have made a difference…you are my answer to prayer.”
I
am so moved by this, by her…by her bravery to wear her scars as she does…that
even in the lost life she is in that she still finds the courage to reach out
to Hope…to pray…to allow good to come
All
these things I tell her
And
now I have to go
Another
soul I will not forget
Another
soul in which I see myself
I
don’t know that she will be able to escape the life she is in
Generational
brokenness is hard to get free from…
But
in the end
This
I know
She
is loved…loved so much bigger than I or you could ever imagine
And
when her time comes
She
will be taken home…to a place of peace and rest
I
do pray she finds some of that here, in this life…and I cherish the moments we
shared…
Of
course in true human form I go over what I could have done better, said better,
been better…but I keep coming back to the place that what transpired that
night, was a Divine Appointment…perhaps not packaged in what we as humans would
see as divine but divine non-the-less.
Homelessness
is growing in North America.
I
see it all around both Canada and the US.
Something
is not right….something is so wrong in the way we are choosing to live as
nations…leaving our weak behind.
Is
that who we are?
If
we think this is going to go away, we are sadly mistaken…
I
have seen the ramifications of not taking care of the less fortunate, in
Medellin Colombia where over 75% of that cities population lives in extreme poverty…and
we are naive to think it will not happen here…it IS happening
I
am not saying this is an easy fix…not at all
But
having no facilities for our mentally ill is the first problem…then there is
generational substance abuse and abuse in general that is not handled well
within our law systems or within our neighbourhoods as many "do not want
to get involved"…the longer it goes on the harder it becomes,
to
live a life past what is known and seen…
Be
kind
Be
gracious
Be
loving
These
things matter
Realize
that as long as there is suffering within our societies we all will feel it one
way or another…no amount of money, possessions or “success” can make one immune
to the suffering of their brother or sister…be aware of the energy you are
putting out into the world…toward your brothers and sisters…be mindful…help
where you can, give when you can…be a giving loving soul…
When
asked what the laws were that man needed to live by Jesus said, “Love God, and
Love your neighbour as yourself”….simple.
Love
people,
just
Love.
Love and Light Lovelies...
