The Scars we Bare...

She was standing at the sink and mirror. I did not pay much attention to her as I walked into the bathroom. I was pre occupied with my own needs to release the pressure of my bladder. Even as I walked up to the sink, I did not pay much attention…then I saw the small pile of clothing tucked between the wall and the sink she was at…my eyes then saw the larger travel bag that sat at her feet. It was slouched open and held more clothing along with some personal items.

That’s when I knew.

I knew what she was doing there.

As I grabbed inconspicuous glances the story began to unfold and all the while she kept her gaze down and movements slight. She was making herself invisible, not wanting to be seen, not wanting to be heard, not wanting to be noticed in this moment.

“Are you alright?”

She nodded yes.

She barely raised her head to meet my gaze. Her eyes remained pinned to the bathroom counter.

Was she high, or coming down? I could not be sure.

One thing was sure the substance abuse was noticeable, hanging over her like chains…like a cross, heavy on her young shoulders…shoulders that were aged far beyond her years.

I felt my heart being tugged.

I was unable to move away….unable to leave without saying more…without reaching out…one sister to another.

“Would you mind if I gave you a hug?”

She shrugged…neither inviting me in nor turning away…she was tired, oh so tired.

I gently and slowly moved towards her, lifting my arms…

“Is this okay?”

She, still looking down, slightly turned her body to face mine, nodded yes.

I took her in.

I pressed my heart against hers.

I drew in all my energy and the energy of Divine Love into me and then I gently poured it into her …white light…the warmth of Love...like warm honey

Love that asks for nothing and gives everything

Love that has no face, and yet holds many

Love that sees through grace and compassion

Love that does not need to know the story

Love that does not need to be earned

Love that is because we are

Love that is so much bigger than those 4 meager letters

Love never ending

Consciously and with deep intention I released into her

She was rigid in my arms so I pulled her closer, held her more securely and whispered in her ear.

“I know you feel alone….I know you feel like nothing…but that is not true. You are a sister among many. I have sisters who stand with me and they are here with us now. You are not alone…please believe me, you are not alone. You are loved…so so loved….”

She holds on to me, her face buried in my hair, in my neck.

“You are not alone sister, what happens to you happens to me…you are not alone. You are held by a loving Creator…please believe me…you are not alone….even though you may feel that way, it is not the truth.”

I want to take her into me.

I want to take away the years of abuse that has brought her to this place….I want it all to dissolve and give her another life…but I cannot…so I hold her until I can not hold her any longer.

I say in my heart “Spirit guide me, give me the words to say…”

I stoop down to catch her down cast eyes.

“I meant those words…they come from my heart to yours.”

“I know” she mumbles, head still down.

I want to respect her space…I want to honour who she is in truth and not push too hard…

I gently lift her face and for the first time look into her eyes….I move quickly past the haze of whatever substance lingers in her body, past the shame, past the pain, past the bullshit and look at the pure essence that she is…a twinkle of recognition…her face in my hands I smile and say “thank you…blessings to you.”

I turn to leave…my hand is on the door.

“Are you a Christian?” she ask, putting force behind her voice.

I pause, not turning around…

I slowly turn, hand still on the door…

“I wouldn’t say that exactly, but I believe in God, I believe in Love and I believe that happens to one of us happens to us all in one way or another.”

She nods and we smile at each other.

I open the door and leave the quiet of the bathroom to enter the noise of the live music playing at the bar.

I watch the door now and again, keeping an eye out for her as she leaves.

I pray she heard my words and took them in.

I wish things were different.

Time passes, and she does not come out…it is getting time for us to leave…the band is done and it is late.

I have to go back in…I know myself, if I do not go back in I will have regret.

She is still in there, she is wearing different clothes.

I apologize for taking up her time, but I had to come back to say goodbye, to let her know I will not forget her.

I also apologize because I have been drinking and want her know that me talking to her has nothing to do with wine courage.

That gets a chuckle out of her…she smiles and says she knows that.

I ask her how old she is.

She is 23….I cannot tell.

I tell her she could me my daughter.

This time she is looking me in the eye more…still very hesitant, very guarded, but we have broken something down…she and I.

I am holding her hands talking with her when I look down…

That’s when I see…maybe more than I want to see, but I see it none the less

Her lower arm exposed..along with the scars…deep scars of her pain, her own personal hell

The entire length of her forearm covered…not one millimeter to spare…

Covered with the marks of her own affliction…

Self-Cutting

this was the closest image I could find to depict what her arms looked like...

 My breathe is knocked out of me for a moment…

I have not seen anything to this extent…but I quickly recover as I feel her pulling her arm away…I don’t want her to feel ashamed

I gently place me other hand over the scars, I gently rub my hand up and down her arm…feeling the ripples of scar tissue as I go.

“Oh honey”

I close my eyes and nod.

I understand this language and it’s suffering

Mine may have looked different, but the language…the story is the same

and I don’t need to know why or how

I exhale and pray silently

We stand there together…in this sacred moment…

Her scars exposed as I hold them and pray

I wrap my shawl around her…it is time to go…

“Wrap this around you when you need reminding that you are not alone sister.”

“No, no I can’t take this.”

“yes sister, you can, and you will” I say with a smile

“I can only hope I made a difference for you tonight…know that within the shawl is the energy of the sisters I have circled with…their love and light now goes with you….”

She struggles for words…trying to say something but unable.

I have to go.

She holds on to my hands and says quietly, “you have made a difference….today I prayed that God would send me someone or something to let me know that I am not alone…you have made a difference…you are my answer to prayer.”

I am so moved by this, by her…by her bravery to wear her scars as she does…that even in the lost life she is in that she still finds the courage to reach out to Hope…to pray…to allow good to come

All these things I tell her

And now I have to go

Another soul I will not forget

Another soul in which I see myself

I don’t know that she will be able to escape the life she is in

Generational brokenness is hard to get free from…

But in the end

This I know

She is loved…loved so much bigger than I or you could ever imagine

And when her time comes

She will be taken home…to a place of peace and rest

I do pray she finds some of that here, in this life…and I cherish the moments we shared…

Of course in true human form I go over what I could have done better, said better, been better…but I keep coming back to the place that what transpired that night, was a Divine Appointment…perhaps not packaged in what we as humans would see as divine but divine non-the-less.

Homelessness is growing in North America.

I see it all around both Canada and the US.

Something is not right….something is so wrong in the way we are choosing to live as nations…leaving our weak behind.

Is that who we are?

If we think this is going to go away, we are sadly mistaken…

I have seen the ramifications of not taking care of the less fortunate, in Medellin Colombia where over 75% of that cities population lives in extreme poverty…and we are naive to think it will not happen here…it IS happening

I am not saying this is an easy fix…not at all

But having no facilities for our mentally ill is the first problem…then there is generational substance abuse and abuse in general that is not handled well within our law systems or within our neighbourhoods as many "do not want to get involved"…the longer it goes on the harder it becomes,

to live a life past what is known and seen…

Be kind

Be gracious

Be loving

These things matter

Realize that as long as there is suffering within our societies we all will feel it one way or another…no amount of money, possessions or “success” can make one immune to the suffering of their brother or sister…be aware of the energy you are putting out into the world…toward your brothers and sisters…be mindful…help where you can, give when you can…be a giving loving soul…

When asked what the laws were that man needed to live by Jesus said, “Love God, and Love your neighbour as yourself”….simple.

Love people,

just Love.

Love and Light Lovelies...

The Black Plague of our Time.....

 There is something happening with our children our youth our young people There is a Black Plague that has infiltrated this part of our population a Black Plague called

Suicide.  

Last weekend I was talking to a dear woman in my life

a spiritual mentor

who's daughter took her own life

one year ago

She was the one who gave me this phrase

"The Black Plague of our time"

and she is so right

It is happening all over the modern world and most of it

being infused by the pressures of

Social Media

Every Monday I have be posting something

about my kids in Colombia

but today

today I wanted to post about my kids

in my own community and country;

because I am seeing their young faces on the news

I am reading about them in the newspaper

I am grieving their end of life.

And for those who still remain... 

I want to lift them up

I want to shine love and light on them

those trapped in their darkness

those who feel lost in their life

those who feel worthless and less then

today I talk about them

and I ask you my readers

to do the same

to hold space for the young people in your country

in your community

those who are struggling

hold space for them

a space of love, light and hope

that they matter

that they are important

that this season will pass

that they will not always feel this small.

I was emailing with a friend of mine

from the other side of the world

she was looking for support   

as one of her young work mates has been practicing

in self harm...

between the regular pressures of being a teen

and the loss of her mother to cancer one year ago

this young woman is having a hard time

finding her way

having a hard time

feeling the solid ground beneath her feet

having a hard time coping....

her story is that of many....

these stories are close to my heart

they have been stories in my personal life
and some of those I hold dear...

I know this darkness

I have said it once

and I will say it again

If you see someone doing something

"to get attention"

BELIEVE THEM !

Do not ignore them

Do not dismiss them

Do not turn away from them

Please

Please

engage with them

reach out to them

look at them..and really see them

and when you do,

let them know that you see them

We can not stop someone from taking their life

We can not stop someone from harming themselves

We can not stop someone from thinking they are less then

BUT  

We can tell them what they mean to us

We can tell them we will miss them if they go

We can tell them what it will be like to be left behind

with them in our lives

We can tell them how we feel about them...

over and over and over again

this

we can do.

My dear sister-friend wrote this last week on her blog

I loved it so much I asked if I could re-post it here.

I realize this is a long post

I hope you will take the time to continue reading

Our kids are worth our time...

  

Lets tell our children....by Nyssa

Turn, turn, my wheel!  All things must change
To something new, to something strange;
  Nothing that is can pause or stay;
The moon will wax, the moon will wane,
The mist and cloud will turn to rain,
The rain to mist and cloud again,
  To-morrow be to-day. ~ Longfellow: Keramos

it's been an aching few days.
whose heart could not have been affected by the death of a young girl?
it has been a rollercoaster of emotions felt throughout the city and throughout the world.

rape, bullying and ultimately suicide.

hard
hard
stuff

wake up calls
and
breaking hearts
and idiocy
and denial

all that is best and worst in humanity played out... everywhere.

and i gather my girls close.
and my son.
my girls to say " you're safe right now"
my boy to say " well done, you honourable and caring young man. well done at being you"

but to the girls in the world who are not in arm's reach, i say " I wish we paid more attention"
" I wish this world didn't view you this way"
" I wish that the power and magic you hold in you..would have free expression and that you would know no fear, no pain, no abuse"

to the boys of this world who are not in arms reach, i say " be brave, be courageous, be honourable."
" Put down the need for power"
" Put down the facades. Put down your macho."

and to all I say, " do better"
" do better at loving yourselves and each other"

to us parents, all of us, I say:

" Let's be parents. Lets guide and teach and show our value systems. Let's care and do until our arms ache so our hearts won't have to. Let's talk. Let's watch. Let's rise up, let's lead the way. Let's put down our feet when necessary. Let's use that word "no" more often. Let's not let our own need for freedom be projected onto our children who have so few rules. It's not the same kind of freedom they need except to let loose with their talents and their souls. we may have needed freedom from repression and freedom of expression and freedom from spiritual abuses or marital discord but our kids don't need our baggage, they don't need our lessons, they have their own. Let's not overcompensate for what we didn't have or what we had too much of. Let's see them for who they are and step in and redirect when things are going wrong"

Let's actively parent.
Let's tell our boys to respect our girls and tell our girls to respect themselves and each other.
Let's tell our daughters to protect themselves while telling them we wish they would not have to.
Let's tell our sons to protect our girls while telling them they should not have to.

Let's tell our sons, honour and respect come first. always.
Let's tell them there are consequences for their actions. always.
Let's tell our daughters the same.

Now, let's show them what that looks like.

No one should have to be afraid of each other.
Of truth.
Of full disclosure.
Of being disbelieved.
Of being unsafe.

We have a long long road to go.
We were blessed to be born here where we can use our voices but instead we often choose to tune out to what is going on under our noses.

Our children deserve better than that.


Turn, turn, my wheel!  All life is brief;
What now is bud will soon be leaf,
  What now is leaf will soon decay;
The wind blows east, the wind blows west;
The blue eggs in the robin's nest
Will soon have wings and beak and breast,
  And flutter and fly away. ~ Longfellow



Let's wake up.
We've been asleep for far far too long.
It's time to roll up our sleeves and do the raw and messy work of teaching our kids what it means to be the best of being human.

Yes

lets wake up

and when we do

lets stay awake

lets take responsability for a place

in the lives of those young people around us

In my own life

there were those few who reached out

those unassuming few

they saved my life 

and I will never forget that

ever.

Love and Light

to the youth of our world

may they find the light they have is enough for the step that they are on

may they hear the words of love and adornment that is said over them

may they know, that they are beautiful children of God and loved beyond their comprehension

may they find their way home

and may there be someone waiting for them when they do

*