It is time...

It is time to begin....
to begin this New Year here, in this space.
Even as I sit here, about to step into this proclamation my heart beats faster, my blood courses through my veins, and my breathe grows shallow.


So I take a deep breathe
and say a prayer...

Vulnerable

This is the word I have been given for this year...

2012 will be a year of Vulnerability for me.

Even as I type that I can feel my rib cage opening up...

emotions churn 

fluttering about

it is painful

uncertain

scary

exposing

uplifting

freeing 

and

oh 

so 

exciting

I started this year by cleaning my home...

And I don't mean just a little purging here and there

I mean the deep "fire it out" kind of cleaning.
(FREE STUFF...boy not included)

Truck loads of stuff brought to new places....recycling, thrift shop, the dump...yes truck loads.

It has been a time of making space, letting go, moving on.

I am a sentimental person, items hold meaning. And there was a time in my life when that was what I felt I needed to keep me grounded, to remind me of Truth because I was not strong enough, confident enough, educated-by-life enough to know what I already had inside of me.

It was the time when The Great Darkness ruled my life. I felt empty inside, that I was not enough, and I needed these "things" as reminders of love, support, validity, better times and happy moments around me. They kept me grounded, they kept me above water, they kept me moving.

But over the last 12 years of my life, there has been great shifts and The Great Darkness no longer rules here...it still comes and goes, of course, because that is the balance of life. But it no longer rules.

and these memories,

these reminders are no longer needed

so I went through my stores of memories

and I let go

I touched them

read them

felt them

and then said good bye.

Some were easier than others, but it was good, it felt good...

it was time. (The kids had fun with it too...)

A little story of one of the things that happened during this cleaning out. I came across an envelope of special letters from special friends...

One of those letters was from a former roommate/workmate/and dear friend from Australia.

It was the first letter she wrote to me after moving back home. A letter I had kept, because her love had meant so much and still does. But I knew I did not need to keep that reminder anymore. I read the letter, had a laugh and put it into the recycling pile. After a couple hours I went up stairs and checked my email...low and behold there was an email from her. Irony??? It was such a full circle of affirming to me that it is not the "stuff" that makes the memories real, it is the feelings and emotions that not only make it real, but keep it alive. We still keep in touch, after 20 years and whenever we connect it is effortless and easy, like it was just yesterday we were young women discovering the world and ourselves...and perhaps getting into a "little trouble" along the way.

When we acknowledge our being enough, so many things, that we think we need falls away.

When I did my Silent Retreat back in November, Vulnerability made herself know to me quite clearly. That She had come to reside and would not be leaving any time soon.

One of the guided exercises we could do was to reflect on what kind of tree we saw ourselves as.

This was my tree I drew...please keep in mind drawing is not a strong suit : )

I felt, at the time I was going through a change of season...

That evening, when I had my one on one session with my Spiritual Mentor I brought my picture with me.

I shared with her the reflections of my day, my fears of the storm, my feeling that a winter is coming, which leaves me feeling unsettled. I see the leaves falling off of me, the layers being pealed away...and though I am ready and willing to let go of these layers, these things of my past,  I also see the Vulnerability that is left and I am uncertain of being so exposed during a time of cold and winds.

Her Perspective:

She sees me as a Silver Birch Tree, bright in the forest. It's bark reflects silver in the moon light and holds the moons light within it.

She said in my Nakedness and Vulnerability I reflect Light to those journeying through the darkness of the forest. I give Light to their way, making their paths brighter. This is not a season to be afraid, but a season of stillness and freedom. As the remainder of my past falls to the ground and rots away I am left free and open to guide others through the forest of life, through their own winter.

That evening I asked that my Wounds be deepened into Wisdom and that my Soul find Rest in Loving Grace.

Vulnerability

something I do not feel comfortable with

in this moment

but something I am willing to sink into

and learn to be

a "muscle" I am willing to "work out"

This year I will complete my book

publish it

and 

share it with those

who are meant to hear it.

For me

it is the ultimate in vulnerability

as it is my story...

my personal story

about God and me

and Our journey

back to myself

after wandering in the darkness

unable to see fully, the power of Love and Light.

It is time...

this is me.

Love and Light