On Suffering.....

Suffering...

a word I am very familiar with...

an action I have felt more times than I care to count
something that the religion I was brought up in
perpetuated

a feeling I came to believe I needed

and that without it

I was not moving ahead

that it was only in the suffering

that I would find the healing.

It is now in my mid life

that I no longer believe this to be true

It is not that there is no suffering

or challenge in my life

there is

always

It is what I signed up for

when I decided to "do"this human life.

This life does hold 

pain

struggle

challenge

and 

suffering

There are those things

beyond my control

that season my life with

these things

BUT 

no longer do I seek suffering out

no longer do I feel that I need to suffer

no longer do I believe that it is only through suffering

that I will find my healing

There is Gain with out Pain.

There is Grace without Death.

There is Love without Heartbreak.

I have come to a place in my soul journey

where I see that refinement will come to me

on it's own,

I just need to be present.

As long as I am engaging in my journey

playing an active part

Spirit will bring me what I need

always

and in all ways.

There has been times when I have experienced

deep healing

and life changing letting go

in dream time.

Have gone to sleep feeling one way

and woken up free of that feeling. 

I have felt The Healers hands touch the broken parts of me

transforming them slowly and methodically

while I do nothing...

while I

just 

Be.

I don't have to throw myself into the pit of disppair

to "prove" my willingness

I do have to love myself

wholey

fully 

completely.

I don't have to carry guilt around 

like a flag

I do have to carry myself

as the Sacred Alter that I am.

I don't have to carry the brick of shame

heavy on my back

in order to keep me hunched over

close to the earth

 No...

instead my guardian angel

would sooner have me

fly with her in the heavens

singing Divinities praises

and when she brings me back to earth

she has me stand tall

heart open

eyes lifted

Proud of who I am

in The Spirit

Lessons come

it is the way of this life

 Freedom Is

that is the Truth of this Life

I am already Free

no need to suffer

no need to stumble around in the dark

because the lantern

is in my hand.

This topic of Suffering

came up recently in my online intensive bootcamp

with Raven and Pixie Campbell

a place to strengthen and recognize

our own Sacred Voice.  

 Here are some words

about suffering

 from two of my wise, inspiring sisters:

Rose D. wrote:

"When I journeyed with Raven to the Light at first we just sat on the ground looking at each other. Nothing happened. I said (in my non-verbal journey way) something to the effect of "C'mon already." Raven walked over to me and pecked at my chest right between my heart and throat. I looked down to see an orb of light there. Raven let me know to take it out of my body. Suddenly, there were other people around us and I knew I was to give this light to as many people as wanted it. Some received the light, others turned away. I watched as the light I shared was shared again and again. Finally I left the ground and rose high above the earth. From there I saw the light spreading all over the globe. Bright, healing white light. From me. Or through me, rather.
My messages from Raven have all been so affirming. I am learning that soul work does not always have to be dark and painful. This is hard medicine for me to accept. I am accustomed to struggle. I am used to feeling like I need to be fixed or improved or healed in some way before my life can begin. Raven says enough of that. And so I have this tattoo now as a reminder of the light Raven revealed to me. From my heart, rising to my throat. I'm ready to live."

Me:this struggle that you speak of, oh do I know it well and that too came up for me while walking and talking with Raven...as a child I decided that struggle was part of my life, that in order to get anywhere there would be pain and suffering...not so, not so at all....not to say things aren't a challenge and that there is not suffering or pain in this world, because there is...but to know that i have a choice to not seek suffering out in order to feel I am "doing something" healing something, shifting something...some of my deepest healings have come during the night as I sleep...and I have done nothing...only asked......it is wonderful and so freeing to know that that time has passed and no longer does that have to be our way....Love and Light Lovely xox

Rose:YES!! My thought has been that if it doesn't hurt, I'm not doing it right. I resisted the medicine in my journey, thinking I was somehow taking the easy way out or some such nonsense. Everything in the universe is pushing me out of the shadows. The same message everywhere. It cannot be denied anymore. To do so would be a harmful self-indulgence. I'm frankly terrified at what comes next. But there's no going back now. I've got Raven cawing at my throat;)

Me:Exactly Rose! I have so felt these same things...if there is no pain, I am taking the easy way out...no pain no gain bullshit! Everything has to be hard....lol makes me laugh actually now, so silly because when I put that in the context of my children is that what I would tell them??? No way! I came to find that indeed the shadow and I have been stitched together, but not in the way I thought...I found out I was Owl...The Light Bringer, not afraid of the dark, not afraid to expose the "demons" that lurk around in the dark igniting fear in those who encounter them....that is the relationship between shadow and me...not that I am to dwell there, but that I am skilled there....Yes! no going back sister...I beautiful marking to remind you of that truth!

Rose:Ooh, that resonates deeply with me. Skilled in the shadows, but not meant to dwell there. Yes! 

Toi Lynn shared these words:

  

"No pain no gain... A myth created by someone who loved to watch others struggle. The "meat hook" of life is painful enough. Suffering is optional. Mine has been a sweet easy journey this time. Peaceful. I kept checking in..... Am I avoiding? Am I staying on the outside? No. I know the answer is No. My empowered answer is No to hard work at this time and Yes to flow and ease and Being.
I just went through several years of Kali transformation .... Burn, baby, Burn! That was my motto for 2013. Chaos and loss and rapid change, hilarity and WTFs ensued.
Just 3 weeks ago I landed here, home, finally home. Hard work to get here - here is Kauai, on the ocean, north shore. Mama ocean with me constantly. Speaking, Teaching me so many things already. I'm crying when I write this. So that is my truth. What a relief to feel that I am home now. I'm home and can rest and have ease and peace and deepen my creativity and get back my health. I'll take it as long as I can get it, thus time of light. Because that is life. Not a peaceful pool but waves, up and down.
BTW, my final journey with Raven. I found myself running in a field of grass, wearing a leopard wrap. Next to a leopard. Laughing. She ran with me towards the sacred Twin Rocks (Raven called it Two Sisters... interesting) in Navajo country. When I entered a cavern, leopard bowed out and Raven flew up and snipped my leopard wrap off. Laughing right along with me. Always wants me to be comfortable naked and to be seen as I really am. Two other ravens dropped a kimono on me of soft black velvet and silk with effervescent colors. Not vibrant. But subtle. I thought.... It's like me. I am a softer sort of leader, doing my work as I am, not trying to be anyone else. I'm not a peacock or Phoenix in appearance or style. And that is ok. Enough. I am Enough. I Am. I walked to nearby fire and sat as it got dark. Ravens sat with me in quietness. Just enjoyed the peaceful fire and the quiet. Absolute Stillness. Watching. Breathing. Being."

These sisters words resonate deeply with me
along side my own.
Suffering is no longer what I seek...

I seek spiritual enlightenment

I seek heart joy and soul living

I seek the treasures of the Spirit

I seek the peace that passes all understanding

I seek my Self

Love and Light

 

July...

Where to begin?

You are never my favorite month

only because you bring with you

the hot emotions of summer

and even warmer nights

You bring with you the season when we

 shuttle down to the basement

looking for relief

from your scorching ways

hiding away from your "pressing in". 

My Irish/English blood does not do so well

never has.

But I have learned to sink into your heat

into your refinement...

into the way you bring things to the surface

things that need to be burnt away

You teach me to take one day at a time

moving slowly in mindfulness

Keeping my cool

as not to ignite the furnace

prematurely.

And the truth is

I have to be fair

because

 even as I feel I am in  the fiery furnace

You offer refuge in those I love.

Much time this month

was spent with some very

cool cats

People I really really like

People I really really love

It helped

ease the heat

it help take my mind off the discomfort

And like a flower

I felt myself blossom

despite it all...

or is it

because of it all?

I acknowledge and pulled out the weeds
around me
leaving those that needed to be left
those that needed to come into full bloom
and dug deep 
to remove those that needed to be gone
And through that process
realized the beauty of my own heart garden
weeds or not
there was far more 
abundance
then there was not.

Oh, those hot emotions of summer  

mixed with the cool tenderness of Love and Communion.

No you are not my favorite

but I am grateful all the same

for the Challenges

and the Gifts that you brought to me
and my journey

 *

Love and Light

  

The Other Night....

The other night The Deer came to see me

The Deer and The Elk

soft and gentle were their words

as they called me into the sweet smelling forest
where The Suns rays streamed in between the top canopy

of the towering cedars

I felt the longing to be in their presence

and so I followed them

listening to their whispers of gentleness and love

feeling the sacred feminine as it enveloped my heart, 
mind and soul

I had stepped a little off track

and they were calling me back...

gently steering me in the direction I needed to go.

I saw a beautiful Tree Goddess before me

I walked towards her

She towered above me, branches reaching high to the sky

trunk sturdy and old with wisdom

roots thick and full of knowing

sinking deep into Mother Earth and all she has to give

I touched the rough bark

and as I did

my whole body melded into the tree and she and I became one

I reached me branches high

and I grew as I reached

high enough to enter the upper world of Divinity

were all things lie in pure balance and purity

the place...

where They, 
were waiting

He was pacing back and forth

and She was standing still with her lantern raised high

With my human heart I felt what I thought

was his disappointment

and I felt small and unworthy

“I am not sure you are ready.” He said
concern in his eyes
 looking into my core.

“She is ready.”She gently says.

“I am ready, I can do this,” I cried as I fell to my knees

I bowed my head and asked for forgiveness

I thought I had failed them

for I had yet to complete the task

a task I had asked for and wanted

This was when he stopped

he slowed down

and came to the place where I was

and looked into my eyes in a way that opened my soul

and spoke with a voice that turned my heart inside out

and stood with a calm that stilled my mind and shattered all human thought.

“It is not about the task...or about getting the task done

It is about trusting how we guide you through this task.

You do not yet fully trust the process and then I wonder

'Are you ready?' But She assures me that you are...
She sees things in you that I can't see

and knows what you are capable of.
She knows the way of the Feminine Divine 
and in that I trust.

Do not get stuck on what you think 'should be'. It is with human eyes that you do this, human thought. You must look beyond the human, and sink into the unknown of the Spiritual, there you will find your truth.

There is joy here, there is laughter...it is not all seriousness and reservation....we dance, we sing, we celebrate. Celebrate with us and loosen you human heart. Dance amongst the stars and sing with the moon.

Do not misjudge my way to be that I am disappointed in you my daughter. For that could not be further from the truth. My way comes from a place of seeing another piece of you...the you I created...and you are so big, 
so huge, so larger than life....
and yet, 
so often I see you live so small, so timid, so reserved. 
That is not what I want for you...
to see you live small is not what makes my heart sore. 
I am not disappointed with you, nor am I upset...
I love you, 
you are everything to me and 
I want All Things for you...
I see All Things for you.

So live big, live huge, live in the trust that we are guiding you and overseeing your journey. 
Trust my daughter and live Big. 
Remember there is a piece of me, inside of you...
a big, huge, powerful piece. 
You were there when I placed in with in you, 
remember that when you feel small, hold on to that, when you feel weak. You are much more than you realize...so much more.”

These sacred words 
that I write here
 are the best translation I can put

to what was said to me....

And She stood by, 
in the powerful silence of sisterhood and ancient knowing

lantern raised
seeing me clearly...

through my human eyes.

Love and Light my lovelies
thank you for bearing witness 
to this
my sacred journey.
*