Son of my heart...

It was the tears in his eyes

The way he gently laid the phone down 

on the kitchen counter

...the way he slowly inhaled and then swallowed

as he fumbled around his mind

to find the words

to tell me what he had to say...

...these were the movement...the motions

that told me

that the brief conversation that he just had

brought into our reality

...very bad news

...news that involved death

but 

never

would I have guessed

that news would be about you....

My awareness moved towards him

as I wanted to know

but my body took two steps back

My mind screamed TELL ME!

...but my heart whispered...not yet...not yet

I breathed shallow

...then deep

Knowing all the while

that the words which sat upon his tongue

would change my world as I knew it

My stomach contracted

as each cell in my body stood to attention...

and then the words hit my ears

I didn't want them

These were not the words I had expected

I was not prepared to hear those three words

Estiven (Steven) is dead...

The world continued to move...

I could feel it.

But in my world, everything had stopped

and I found myself in a wrinkle in time

Aware of the movement of Life

but no longer being a part of it

"No! No! No!"...

but even as the words of rejection 

poured out of my mouth

I knew that what I heard was true

I knew by the look on his face

by the tears on his cheeks

by the feeling of his arms drawing me close into him

And I knew, by the way we stood together

and wept for the son of our heart...

My mama heart ached with a dull longing

of disbelief and shock...

The day unfolded into a rocking back and forth

between grief and shock

*

I could see your face

I could hear your voice

I saw all the promise within you

You grand potential spilling out everywhere

I could still see all that you had become

in you short, 19 years

and I longed to tell you...one more time

how proud I was of you

how much I loved you

all the amazing, wonder-filled things

that I saw in you...

and so I did...

As the waves of grief

crashed over me again and again

We spoke...you and I 

a sacred story

told between elder and youngblood

and you knew

and I knew

that this was your time...

*

Sadness sat in my throat

and we grieved you as a family

...we each had our own stories...

and this became a shining gift

in an other wise

dark time...

After a tear soaked day

I fell into bed with emotional exhaustion at my side

and with tears on my pillow and 

an ache in my being

sleep took me deep into a place

of rest and stillness

And there I found relief...

until the darkness before the dawn

and for a small handful of seconds

I lived in the freedom of 

not remembering the day before

and then it came bulldozing back

You were no longer walking this earth

Mama Ocean had taken your last breath

and the pain of sorrow

once again

rumbled throughout my body

and all I could do was sob

and pray that sleep would return

That's when she came to me...

She wrapped herself gently around me

like a soft, familiar blanket

Holding me softly as I wept

and she said

"Let me hold you Catherine. 

Let me be your place of comfort.

I will hold this sadness, your tears, 

your broken mama heart...

I will walk this out with you;

you will not be alone in your sorrow."

And because I knew her

and I trusted her

I said 

yes

*

As I release myself to Grief's waiting bosom

and I let her hold me...

As I drifted back to the stillness

of deep sleep

and the tears dried on my skin...

the deep sadness of my heart

and the pain in my throat

surrendered to Grief 

*

And with the initial shock and disbelief

fading into knowing

the truth of your passing solidified

and Grief held me just that much closer...

As time and life continued to move forward

I felt my heavy sadness turn fully over to grief

and sink into the marrow of my bones

and I welcomed it

"As much as I loved you

So will I grieve"

This was my promise to you

and to my Self

I would not apologize for...

nor would I hide my grief

For I loved you...and forever will

as if you were one on my own

flesh of my flesh

blood of my blood

bone of my bone

My Son of my Heart

that is what you were

and always will be to me...

to us...

*

I find myself standing at the door

to the room of many

Those who have buried their children

I am not quite in the room with them

for you were not fully mine...

But I stand at the threshold of this place

Feeling the grief of unexplainable loss

And I shall grieve you

until I have grieved enough...

I know much of this process

can not fully be walked out

until I return to your home

Until I hold your mother close

and together we weep

together we will shake in our emotions

and together we will know each others suffering

without saying a word...

I will go to your grave

and feel all it is I need to feel

I will soak the earth with my tears

my mama heart will break

all over again

and I will feel no shame

as I lay flowers on your grave

for I loved you...and always will

and the world will know of my love

all who see and know me

will know of my deep love for you

The Son of My Heart

And every time I return

I will forever feel the slight sting

of not seeing your face

not hearing your voice

not being able to watch you grow

into the amazing man you were meant to be...

and then

in the quiet of my sadness

Grief will remind me

that I already witnessed All...

that I already saw the amazing man

you were meant to be...

Till these days come to pass...

Till the time comes that I can return

My grief will reside in my bones

some days it will be heavy

and I will feel its weight in my being

while other days I will barely even notice

it's presence

As it is with Grief

a necessary ebb and flow

a part of this human experience

One I choose to embrace and breathe along with...

*

As deeply as I have loved

So even deeper shall I grieve

AndI will grieve...

until I have grieved enough.

Estiven Castano was born September 4th, 1997

He was the only child to his mother and father

He grew up in the ghetto of 

Nativity Hill, Medellin, Colombia

In  home made of old plywood, bricks and hillside.

He knew much about gangs, violence, poverty 

and the desire to change his story.

When Estiven was 10 his dad died in a motorcycle accident

This rocked his young life in a way that propelled him

to even strive higher.

I had the enormous blessing of meeting and connecting with Estiven on my first trip down to Medellin in 2008

My oldest son was with me, and he too formed a bond with Estiven...a brotherhood bond that remained steadfast.

On my last pilgrimage, this year, to Medellin...

the rest of my family joined me for the first time...

I will forever be grateful to the Powers that Be

that my youngest son and my man had that opportunity to meet this amazing young man

and that they too, felt a connection and felt family

with Estiven. It was during this trip that Estiven shared with me his plans for the future...

he shared with me how he was

"changing his story"

creating a new story for his family blood line...

he told me how he felt he lived two worlds

One world was at the center where he

"lived from his heart"

The other was out on the streets, where he

"lived from his mind"...

He had graduated high school ( a HUGE feat for kids of this neighbourhood) and was attending electrical trade school.

Estiven had lived so many lives in his short 19 years

He had faced adversity beyond my own understanding

and had so many factors stacked against him...

but he was determined to make for himself

a better life

a life of freedom

and he utilized all that was offered him

for his higher good...

On June 5th, 2016

we received the shattering news

that Estiven had been killed in a drowning accident

during a weekend, group trip, to the coast

His body was recovered and brought 

to the SOLAHIS Community Center

where hundreds of people from the community

came to pay their respects to this

greatly loved young man...

and his grieving mother.

On Tuesday, June 7th

his young body was laid to rest

as his spirit soared free...

He is greatly missed.